The Museum of Broken Relationships. What would you donate?

Did anyone else see the article "A Poignant Trail of Broken Hearts, All on Display?".

It sure grabbed this djv-er's attention. Why? Well blogging about what comes up with divorce puts you on a heightened alert to these things. So that's the obvious one. Not so obvious may be my absolute dedication to removing items from my life that have bad relationship mojo (or at minimum storing them far out of site). For me, extraction of all ended relationship items that bring about a negative response (or just not liking them) is the way to go.

After reading the article this djv-er started thinking about what she could donate that would make an interesting "exhibit". A quick tour of the house, 2 wedding presents (a pitcher and wine opener that both get frequent unemotional use) were found as well as some necklace beads that my ex-husband gave me for Christmas. No emotions attached there - perhaps because they are the small part of a larger collection. Don't feel the need to part with these, and they don't really seem "exhibit" worthy.

Intrigued by the commentary from their website:
"The Museum of Broken Relationships is an art concept which proceeds from the assumption that objects possess integrated fields - ‘holograms’ of memories and emotions ... The Museum offers every individual the chance to overcome the emotional collapse through creation - by contributing to the Museum's collection"
My quest to find something continued. There must be one item at least.

A little more time pondering, and indeed an item was found. Knitting needles. NO there is no evidence of them being used to inflict harm, and interestingly enough they are not associated with my ex husband. During college a girlfriend started knitting. The idea of making something was intriguing and she assured me that it wasn't "that hard". So off we went to the knitting store to pick up the supplies to create a Nordic sweater. After a few lessons the body and arms of a sweater took shape. Who would the "lucky" recipient be? My boyfriend at the time. What a wonderfully thoughtful Christmas present, right? Too bad he did one of those dropped off the face of the planet things before Christmas. The sweater ended up going to my aunt (well not really my aunt, but you get the idea) to get it out of my living space. To this day it's unclear what ultimately happened to the sweater, and this is the first time that the thought has come up. This djv-er did make 3/4 of another sweater, but hasn't picked up the needles since.

So it's time for the knitting needles to go. The description/story could be something like:
The knitting needles used to make my first sweater. It was intended as a gift, but he was gone before it was wrapped.

It still doesn't hold a candle to the leg prosthesis donated by a war veteran who fell in love with his physiotherapist.

Would you donate? What would it be? And what about the description?

Let us know. We love hearing from you!

djv

It's Valentine's Day (a/k/a VD) 2010

To this member of djv this is the worst of the "holidays". A little too cheesy and too forced for my taste. Over the years it hasn't mattered what my relationship status is when February 14th rolls around, Valentine's Day isn't especially exciting. Would someone help me understand the need to assign a specific day around the US when we show our love for someone. Isn't this something that people are doing more than once per year? Please don't get me wrong. Romance and love are fantastic. However, do we really need to be assaulted by Hallmark, See's and FTD about how to show that special someone that we really care?

For 2010 this djv-er is going to try looking at Valentine's Day from a different perspective (or at least write and speak about it differently). So here goes...

If you read the post from New Year's Eve (2009 is almost over, and 2010 is looking bright!", you remember that one thing this djv-er wanted to accomplish in 2010 was to take an improv class. Well .... I did it. Level 0 (a/k/a The Joy of Improv) for four weeks at The PIT (Peoples Improv Theatre). What an amazing experience with a wonderful group of fascinating and talented folks.

One of the "games" you play in improv class is called "Yes! And". Essentially a person comes out, makes a statement, and their partner has to "yes" it (enthusiastically accept the statement/take it on so to speak), and add something positive to take it up a notch.

While thinking about how to write about VD, it dawned on me ... Let's "Yes! And" it.

You're divorced/single on Valentine's Day. "Yes! And" ....

1. Sticking to my diet is virtually guaranteed without the temptation of milk chocolate stuffed with caramel


2. There's time for the next quest in World of Warcraft


3. My hair will love a time out from gel mousse and the blow dryer


4. What a great time to start that novel I have wanted to read


5. Performance anxiety? What performance anxiety?


6. My friends will come over to help me install shelving (courtesy of Jeff from improv class)

Give it a try! What would your "Yes! And" be for I'm divorced/single on Valentine's Day? Let us know. We'd love to hear from you!

djv

Super Mom

We divorced moms are saddled with many different roles as are married moms. We wear many hats - cook, cleaner, homework helper, advice giver, wardrobe assistant - the list goes on and on. I have thought many times about my married friends whose husbands travel almost weekly and how difficult it must for those moms - I have often thought they might as well be divorced for the amount of things they are forced to do without dad around and how frustrating it is. But their husbands do eventually come home - whether he helps out with the kids or not - he is still another adult in the room.

Divorced moms however have to continue being all the things they are for their children (and for themselves - you can't forget yourself!!) and must also deal with the outside world - a duality which involves not saying no to any invitation (lest Mr. Right be there - you never know!) and yet continuing to be there for the children. We divorced moms may feel that it is important to put our best faces forward so as to squash any kind of gossip but let me tell you -

the life of a divorced mom is exhausting! Especially if you work. Getting the kids out of the house to school is hurdle #1 everyday. It's relentless. Work is a sort of safe haven for some of us. It's a distraction - and sometimes it's easier than being a mom! Coming home each afternoon and helping with homework, putting on that positive face - encouraging the children that no task is insurmountable - it's just plain exhausting.

Some divorced moms get a great deal of help from their exs with regard to the children and they are grateful for that! I just spoke to a few who agree that it is amazing when dad helps out. With most divorces it is customary for the children to spend every other weekend with the other parent. We usually look forward to our weekend's off but come Friday night I am thrust into quiet and solitude which usually depress me. I wonder what the kids are doing and I miss them. As portrayed in the recent movie "It's Complicated" (which I recommend everyone see!) the quiet of the house once the children are gone is deafening. but these weekends are also restorative and enable us to assume the role of uber mom once again.

We would love to hear your stories, complaints, comments etc so please chime in!

Thanks

DJV

Personal Strength From Doing Something Extreme

Like stunt bi-plane flying

Why did this djv-er get involved in such a sanity questioning activity? A dear gal pal was turning the big 40, and wanted to do something exciting. We've gone swimming with whales, saw a Cirque du Soleil-ish show with horses and got pretty dang close to a polar bear. Shark diving was out (clearing the mask was far too terrifying to enjoy the experience) and race car driving didn't match our frugalista ways. So with land and sea out, we took to the skies.

Side note to cover my rump. This blogger did not receive a free flight for this posting. SkyThrills was an amazing experience, and a special thanks to Mike (call sign "Rocket").

After a briefing, and getting dressed in Top Gun gear, up you go. You do actually fly the plane. It's like a driver's ed car since Rocket is behind you with another set of controls.

Ready for rolls? Level the wings, push the stick all the way right, look over the wing so you don't puke, and level it back out. For loops, Rocket tells you to pick up speed by pointing the nose down. Point the plane towards the ground going 200 mph. It questions everything you know about safety; it's a completely unreasonable (and insane) act, it's toying with the natural and unquestionable law of gravity. But to this djv-er those were the actions that produced the most significant outcome.

Some interesting things started to happen the next day. All of my previous fears and annoyances seem to go away. There was a new/renewed strength and confidence that continues today.

Morning coffee with a CEO the following week was a joy. Meeting people with big titles for the first time can scare the living you know what out of me. Their title, their success and smarts cause me to question how I will keep up with them in the conversation and blah, blah, blah. Pushing through the fear always works, but there was no need to push through this time because the fear wasn’t there. Perhaps the unconscious conversation with myself was going like this: “you have to be kidding me! You are nervous about meeting with this person after you survived (and enjoyed) flying inverted and hurling yourself towards land at 200 mph? After that, you have nothing to be afraid of.”

This djv-er’s message to you is to do something extreme, an action that questions your sense of what is reasonable. Not just outside your comfort zone, but a significant stretch. Everyone surviving divorce gets in a rut. No matter where you are in the divorce process (and even after the decree) we all get stuck. Sure you will eventually push yourself out of it, but why not take a bold step? Go for something extreme that questions the reasonable, and could jolt your system not only out of the rut, but into a stronger place.

It's made a huge difference for this djv’er, and perhaps it would for you too.

Until next time,

djv

Email passwords are not community property!

Every since the New York Times ran “Breaking Up In a Digital Fishbowl” this member of djv has been on a rant. It makes me absolutely crazy wondering how in the world anyone would think that sharing the password to a personal email account would be a good idea. This is not a sign of intimacy nor is it the ultimate indicator of trust. Sharing email passwords is just plain stupid.

Microsoft, Apple, McAfee and thousands of other companies specialize in computer/network security, and make millions of dollars per year in revenue. These organizations focus on keeping data protected from outside viewing. Some businesses terminate employees for sharing passwords, and corporate system administrators encourage teammates to change their passwords after work has been done on their computer. With the electronic age, globalization of work, and the need to be available 24 7, the line between our business and personal lives is extremely fuzzy. Then why, when it comes to personal email accounts, do people think that the same security measures applied to their work email don’t apply to their personal email?

There’s an attack on Google, we are shocked and scared. We worry about protecting our online identity, but don’t take the most basic steps at home. What’s that about?

This member of djv took a survey and asked some of her guy pals if they had the password to their wives’ or girlfriend’s email. Unanimously they said “no”.

There are so many reasons to have your own private email. This is not about trying to hide something. It’s about having your own identity. Having your own private email supports the relationship. Why? Because, at least to me, a strong relationship consists of two individuals who share beliefs and interests and give of themselves while also pursing their own activities as individuals. Email is a dominant method of communication today, so how could you plan a thoughtful surprise party or present for your honey when they have access to your email? Perhaps you want to get a friend’s impression on your reaction to a situation, or ask for some ideas on how to handle something. We all need to vent to get our emotions in check. It’s far better for your relationship if your sweetheart sees you after your venting period when you can talk about your emotions in a non defensive manner. In this kind of situation, access to your email account can automatically lead to saying stuff you regret later.

There are some caveats. If you are married and have joint accounts, yes you are both entitled to the passwords. This member of djv is a huge advocate for joint as well as individual bank accounts and credit cards, but that’s for another post.

There’s a ton more to go into on this topic. In the meantime we'd love to hear your thoughts.

djv

2009 is almost over, and 2010 is looking bright!

What a whirlwind the holidays can be. If your days were anything like ours they included occasions packed with family and/or friends, alone time to tackle psychological and/or physical projects, and a few intimate gatherings with the ones we are closest to.

On Christmas day a member of one of the djv-er’s immediate family sent her an email about bringing 2009 to a close. It highlighted not letting the events and situations of 2009 get dragged into her 2010. What were the steps? Make a list starting with “In 2009 …” and you fill in the rest. Then make a list of the things you will “create” in 2010. The djv-er was all for putting 2009 away. Is there a box big enough to put all that junk into? Is there packing tape strong enough to keep it closed forever? While not one for New Year’s resolutions, the djv-er was all for a better 2010, picked up a pen and started writing.

She finished the lists, and was pretty surprised at the outcome. What was there? It went on for pages and pages, but here are a few items to give you a glimpse.

In 2009 ...

1. Business was the worst ever
2. No sales and no product to sell in 2009
3. Lost money in my professional work
4. Professional stress leaked over into personal life and at times became overwhelming
5. Launched Divorce Salon (blog, Facebook and twitter)
6. Learned how to do my own brows courtesy of YouTube
7. Brought in cash by selling things I didn’t use (which also made my house easier to manage without the excess stuff)
8. Improved cooking skills by making more things from scratch
9. Made new friends, re-connected with old buddies, and deepened existing relationships
10. Took a sailing class and got 100 on the certification test

How interesting that there are more positives than negatives. For such a tough year, there were a lot of accomplishments. Perhaps we needed these tough times to grow and nurture other areas.

Give it a try! You too will probably be pleasantly surprised at the good that happened in 2009.

What’s the #1 item this djv-er is creating for 2010? More content and traffic on Divorce Salon. There are others too: learn how to apply nail polish to nails (not skin) and take an improv class.

As we sign off for this year, please remember, 2009 is what it is, and soon it will be over. 2010 can be whatever you “create” for yourself and your life.

Happy New Year!

djv

A question about "getting back out there"

KB sent us a note that we just had to put into a front page post ....

Dear DJV,
How did you all deal with getting back out there, as in exposing your heart again? I am fortunate to have the attention of several cute guys, but have kept them at bay so to take care of myself first. Now that is under control, TLC would be fantastic, but I'm afraid to deal with all the dating games that men play and the false start of a "rebound" guy. How did you do it? KB

Hi KB!
Thanks very much for your question. Bravo to you for taking the time to focus on yourself while keeping those handsome distractions in the appropriate place. Healing yourself is a critical first step to getting back out there. You’ve done that, and please continue to do what is good and healthy for you during your dating journey.

We could go on and on with dating tips, and here’s our top pick for you:

Owning and communicating your feelings
With multiple cute men who sound eager to get to know you better, you have some incredible power. We believe that with power comes responsibility. After re-entering the dating world, one of the members of djv was nick named “duck and cover” girl by a close gal pal. This djv’er dated guys, and if they weren’t a match, or she got scared of moving to the next level, she shut down. She didn’t respond to phone calls, texts or emails. This djv’er wasn’t proud of her behavior or her nick name, and realized that she was doing exactly what she hated in the dating game (when guys dropped off the planet). Please remember that guys have feelings too (they may not show them that often, but they are there). You will have choices to make about the guys you date, and which ones get to spend more time with you. Own your feelings and communicate them. No matter how hard it may be, respect a guy by letting him know if it’s not working for you. Of course you will be thoughtful in your conversation, but do have it. BTW when the djv’er started communicating this way, her dates got better and better.

And here’s another one of our favorites:

Accepting that it is what it is, and not making things up that aren’t there
Oh the anxiety wondering if he will text, email or call, and the upset when he doesn’t. Don’t torture yourself should this happen with one of your suitors. It just is what it is; it’s not a reflection on you; it just wasn’t a match. Him not calling, emailing or texting doesn’t mean that you will not find a wonderful relationship … you will. This just wasn’t the guy, and there are others out there.

Have fun KB! You’re going to meet a lot of different guys and do a lot of different things. Enjoy it, and bring on the TLC (you deserve it).

Did that help? Please let us know how it goes!

djv