Super Mom

We divorced moms are saddled with many different roles as are married moms. We wear many hats - cook, cleaner, homework helper, advice giver, wardrobe assistant - the list goes on and on. I have thought many times about my married friends whose husbands travel almost weekly and how difficult it must for those moms - I have often thought they might as well be divorced for the amount of things they are forced to do without dad around and how frustrating it is. But their husbands do eventually come home - whether he helps out with the kids or not - he is still another adult in the room.

Divorced moms however have to continue being all the things they are for their children (and for themselves - you can't forget yourself!!) and must also deal with the outside world - a duality which involves not saying no to any invitation (lest Mr. Right be there - you never know!) and yet continuing to be there for the children. We divorced moms may feel that it is important to put our best faces forward so as to squash any kind of gossip but let me tell you -

the life of a divorced mom is exhausting! Especially if you work. Getting the kids out of the house to school is hurdle #1 everyday. It's relentless. Work is a sort of safe haven for some of us. It's a distraction - and sometimes it's easier than being a mom! Coming home each afternoon and helping with homework, putting on that positive face - encouraging the children that no task is insurmountable - it's just plain exhausting.

Some divorced moms get a great deal of help from their exs with regard to the children and they are grateful for that! I just spoke to a few who agree that it is amazing when dad helps out. With most divorces it is customary for the children to spend every other weekend with the other parent. We usually look forward to our weekend's off but come Friday night I am thrust into quiet and solitude which usually depress me. I wonder what the kids are doing and I miss them. As portrayed in the recent movie "It's Complicated" (which I recommend everyone see!) the quiet of the house once the children are gone is deafening. but these weekends are also restorative and enable us to assume the role of uber mom once again.

We would love to hear your stories, complaints, comments etc so please chime in!

Thanks

DJV

Personal Strength From Doing Something Extreme

Like stunt bi-plane flying

Why did this djv-er get involved in such a sanity questioning activity? A dear gal pal was turning the big 40, and wanted to do something exciting. We've gone swimming with whales, saw a Cirque du Soleil-ish show with horses and got pretty dang close to a polar bear. Shark diving was out (clearing the mask was far too terrifying to enjoy the experience) and race car driving didn't match our frugalista ways. So with land and sea out, we took to the skies.

Side note to cover my rump. This blogger did not receive a free flight for this posting. SkyThrills was an amazing experience, and a special thanks to Mike (call sign "Rocket").

After a briefing, and getting dressed in Top Gun gear, up you go. You do actually fly the plane. It's like a driver's ed car since Rocket is behind you with another set of controls.

Ready for rolls? Level the wings, push the stick all the way right, look over the wing so you don't puke, and level it back out. For loops, Rocket tells you to pick up speed by pointing the nose down. Point the plane towards the ground going 200 mph. It questions everything you know about safety; it's a completely unreasonable (and insane) act, it's toying with the natural and unquestionable law of gravity. But to this djv-er those were the actions that produced the most significant outcome.

Some interesting things started to happen the next day. All of my previous fears and annoyances seem to go away. There was a new/renewed strength and confidence that continues today.

Morning coffee with a CEO the following week was a joy. Meeting people with big titles for the first time can scare the living you know what out of me. Their title, their success and smarts cause me to question how I will keep up with them in the conversation and blah, blah, blah. Pushing through the fear always works, but there was no need to push through this time because the fear wasn’t there. Perhaps the unconscious conversation with myself was going like this: “you have to be kidding me! You are nervous about meeting with this person after you survived (and enjoyed) flying inverted and hurling yourself towards land at 200 mph? After that, you have nothing to be afraid of.”

This djv-er’s message to you is to do something extreme, an action that questions your sense of what is reasonable. Not just outside your comfort zone, but a significant stretch. Everyone surviving divorce gets in a rut. No matter where you are in the divorce process (and even after the decree) we all get stuck. Sure you will eventually push yourself out of it, but why not take a bold step? Go for something extreme that questions the reasonable, and could jolt your system not only out of the rut, but into a stronger place.

It's made a huge difference for this djv’er, and perhaps it would for you too.

Until next time,

djv

Email passwords are not community property!

Every since the New York Times ran “Breaking Up In a Digital Fishbowl” this member of djv has been on a rant. It makes me absolutely crazy wondering how in the world anyone would think that sharing the password to a personal email account would be a good idea. This is not a sign of intimacy nor is it the ultimate indicator of trust. Sharing email passwords is just plain stupid.

Microsoft, Apple, McAfee and thousands of other companies specialize in computer/network security, and make millions of dollars per year in revenue. These organizations focus on keeping data protected from outside viewing. Some businesses terminate employees for sharing passwords, and corporate system administrators encourage teammates to change their passwords after work has been done on their computer. With the electronic age, globalization of work, and the need to be available 24 7, the line between our business and personal lives is extremely fuzzy. Then why, when it comes to personal email accounts, do people think that the same security measures applied to their work email don’t apply to their personal email?

There’s an attack on Google, we are shocked and scared. We worry about protecting our online identity, but don’t take the most basic steps at home. What’s that about?

This member of djv took a survey and asked some of her guy pals if they had the password to their wives’ or girlfriend’s email. Unanimously they said “no”.

There are so many reasons to have your own private email. This is not about trying to hide something. It’s about having your own identity. Having your own private email supports the relationship. Why? Because, at least to me, a strong relationship consists of two individuals who share beliefs and interests and give of themselves while also pursing their own activities as individuals. Email is a dominant method of communication today, so how could you plan a thoughtful surprise party or present for your honey when they have access to your email? Perhaps you want to get a friend’s impression on your reaction to a situation, or ask for some ideas on how to handle something. We all need to vent to get our emotions in check. It’s far better for your relationship if your sweetheart sees you after your venting period when you can talk about your emotions in a non defensive manner. In this kind of situation, access to your email account can automatically lead to saying stuff you regret later.

There are some caveats. If you are married and have joint accounts, yes you are both entitled to the passwords. This member of djv is a huge advocate for joint as well as individual bank accounts and credit cards, but that’s for another post.

There’s a ton more to go into on this topic. In the meantime we'd love to hear your thoughts.

djv