Why did I Google my ex?

What compels me to type his name in the search bar and click on the magnifying glass?

This happens about once a year, usually around our wedding anniversary (about 1 month before the holiday season starts).

While hitting the letters to spell his name, the little voice in my head said "why are you doing this & what are you looking for?" The little voice's meek-ish response is "oh ... I just wonder what he's up to?". My brain tells me that just ain't so.

My divorce has been final for over 7 years. With my ex living thousands of miles away, some would consider me "fortunate". As for our marital friends, they fell into the inevitable "his" or "hers" bucket.

Is this internet search really only idle curiosity? Or was it something else? My casual nosiness was satisfied in less than 30 minutes, but the time could have been used to paint my nails, balance my checkbook, have a glass of wine, watch an episode of any one of The Real Housewives, catch up with a friend (in other words half an hour of something far more personally fulfilling). So why this? Why now?

There wasn't anything specific I was hoping or dreading finding. What popped up? Links to profiles on those business contact sites (LinkedIn, Jigsaw, etc ....), a recent announcement of a new position in the same industry, and a picture from a work event. Absent were the cringes, deep breaths, and expletives one would expect with thoughts that the photo could be with the "new one".

So what propelled me to do this? Let me ask you ... Are you competitive with your ex? Just the tiniest bit? Come on! The little short lived boost that comes with "I have a better life than her/him" feels good. For less than 30 minutes, I took solace knowing his career had not leapfrogged mine. Plus, our wedding announcement was the 4th item on the Google search of him and the 6th item on mine .... So my current life is far more fantastic and internet news worthy than his. That's a joke!!! Laugh please!!!!

Am still wondering what caused me to ask a browser what my ex is up to. From time to time, perhaps we should re-visit our past to be grateful for what we have in the present, and pat ourselves on the back for the progress we've made in the face of all of the challenges.

For men and women asking how long it takes to get over their marriage/divorce, take a look at me. Seven years out, and it hasn't totally gone away. Honestly, marriage/divorce is too significant to disappear. The emotional effort does become smaller and less charged. In my case, coming up just once per year for less than 30 minutes.

How often, and how long, do you allow yourself to think about your ex?

djv