Sarah:
a few books we can suggest:
Divorce Book for Parents (Lansky)
What Should I Tell the Kids? (Siegler)
Custody Chaos, Personal Peace (Wittman)
Your instinct to shield children from the details and toxicity is a good one. They will come to understand; and always better if they do this in their own time. All you can do is be their rock. Think supportive and accessible. Don't lie to them; but don't tell them more than they need to know. Ask them to respect your discretion and privacy. Tell them you don't believe in speaking negatively about their father (and their father will look like a big jerk, in contrast, if he dishes on you). Although he deserves no respect, on any other front, pretend that you respect his role as their father and that you understand the permanent nature of that. They will worry about you -- so you need to stay strong around them and fall apart privately or with your girlfriends/therapist etc. Keep reassuring them that you are ok and you all will get through this.
If $$$ is not an issue, we would recommend you get a coach. This is an advocate who is less expensive than your atty or shrink, who can give you advice and guidance, through this very frightening process, either in person, or via phone.
Try to remember that your husband's infidelity has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his pathetic search for the affirmation he is not strong enough to find w/in himself. We, at DJV, believe there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage, just unhappy people.
And we concur, with your therapist, that holding it all in doesn't work. But we don't advise doing anything that would jeopardize your public relations perception, among your community or with your family. Highly dramatic scenes, (like throwing his things out the window), might feel good for a moment; but you will be creating a memory difficult for onlookers to erase. Start working out, take up a sport/hobby, vent to (safe) friends, join a support group etc. But don't let him drive you to be (or be perceived as) irrational or unstable. The calmer you are, the more you actually empower yourself. And if this doesn't seem natural, just pretend, until it becomes a forced habit. Avoid impetuous responses or reactions -- take time and be reasoned/measured in all your communications and interactions.
When your children realize someday what you put up with, over the holidays, and otherwise, you will be a true hero in their eyes. Keep focusing on the future; think big picture. Thanksgiving, and other holidays, only come once a year. Your children will only be this age once; and they will remember these occassions, for the rest of their lives, so try to keep it as normal, and natural, as possible.
You are doing better than you think.
DJV
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Single on Thanksgiving ... a bunch of options
Single Parent Gossip has a great post: Surviving Thanksgiving Alone focusing on doing and having what you like for this holiday.
Divorce Salon has a couple more ideas, and they aren't just for those going through the big D ... All you singles out there, take a look.
Be an adopted “orphan”
On multiple occasions, other families have adopted me for their celebration, and they have been wonderful. You’re surrounded by people and experience new traditions (perhaps ones you choose to adopt in your “next” life). Being with other people can be so helpful and break you out of your all encompassing tunnel of divorce or new singledom. Being an adopted “orphan” is an amazing testament to you. Holidays are an extremely personal time, and your adopted family is showing you their love by welcoming you into their home and family for a holiday feast. Don’t view it as a pity invitation. You are divorced (or in the process), and you can be surrounded by people who care about you and love you. Isn’t that the most important thing?
Go to a restaurant (alone, with a pal or group)
I’ve gone out for many of my adult Thanksgiving meals. No prep, no cleanup, and the option of being a renegade (choosing beef or fish). But djv, what about the leftovers? Don’t deny yourself. Get a cooked turkey breast and whatever else you like. Pumpkin pie isn’t my fave, so bring on the ice cream and hot fudge.
One year I was celebrating Thanksgiving with a friend. My pal claimed to be a good cook, but somehow thought defrosting the turkey in a sink of warm water for 2 days was a good idea. One whiff of the bird, and we needed a plan B. We found camaraderie at the counter of a local deli/diner. “Happy Thanksgiving” greetings to the 70+ year old patrons on either side, and the conversation started to flow. Oh the stories and what a history lesson.
Pot luck with friends
The definition of “family” is expanding. My family lives all over the country which makes seeing them regularly a challenge. I see my doorman more often than my blood relatives, and many friends are more like family. So have a “The Big Chill” Thanksgiving. Some college pals used to host a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, and we joked about how it trumped the actual day.
If you are celebrating with your family, adopt an “orphan”
“Orphans” can be anyone without plans for the holiday (either by circumstances or choice). After spending days/hours together, you and your family will embrace having someone new in the mix. Trust me. It changes the dynamic, and the attention shifts. For my first Thanksgiving separated from my now ex, a gal pal celebrated with my family. I was anxious about all of the questions my family would inevitably ask about how I was doing. Her presence successfully deflected all of the attention from me, my separated life and impending divorce. The conversation focused on current events, interesting anecdotes and our “orphan”. What a relief for me, and she had a great time.
Holidays can be hard. Hard for all of us actually, regardless of our relationship status. Please remember …. Thanksgiving is only 24 hours. Thanksgiving is just another day, like any other Thursday. There are millions of people in the world who don’t celebrate the fourth Thursday in November.
Make it special for yourself.
djv
Divorce Salon has a couple more ideas, and they aren't just for those going through the big D ... All you singles out there, take a look.
Be an adopted “orphan”
On multiple occasions, other families have adopted me for their celebration, and they have been wonderful. You’re surrounded by people and experience new traditions (perhaps ones you choose to adopt in your “next” life). Being with other people can be so helpful and break you out of your all encompassing tunnel of divorce or new singledom. Being an adopted “orphan” is an amazing testament to you. Holidays are an extremely personal time, and your adopted family is showing you their love by welcoming you into their home and family for a holiday feast. Don’t view it as a pity invitation. You are divorced (or in the process), and you can be surrounded by people who care about you and love you. Isn’t that the most important thing?
Go to a restaurant (alone, with a pal or group)
I’ve gone out for many of my adult Thanksgiving meals. No prep, no cleanup, and the option of being a renegade (choosing beef or fish). But djv, what about the leftovers? Don’t deny yourself. Get a cooked turkey breast and whatever else you like. Pumpkin pie isn’t my fave, so bring on the ice cream and hot fudge.
One year I was celebrating Thanksgiving with a friend. My pal claimed to be a good cook, but somehow thought defrosting the turkey in a sink of warm water for 2 days was a good idea. One whiff of the bird, and we needed a plan B. We found camaraderie at the counter of a local deli/diner. “Happy Thanksgiving” greetings to the 70+ year old patrons on either side, and the conversation started to flow. Oh the stories and what a history lesson.
Pot luck with friends
The definition of “family” is expanding. My family lives all over the country which makes seeing them regularly a challenge. I see my doorman more often than my blood relatives, and many friends are more like family. So have a “The Big Chill” Thanksgiving. Some college pals used to host a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, and we joked about how it trumped the actual day.
If you are celebrating with your family, adopt an “orphan”
“Orphans” can be anyone without plans for the holiday (either by circumstances or choice). After spending days/hours together, you and your family will embrace having someone new in the mix. Trust me. It changes the dynamic, and the attention shifts. For my first Thanksgiving separated from my now ex, a gal pal celebrated with my family. I was anxious about all of the questions my family would inevitably ask about how I was doing. Her presence successfully deflected all of the attention from me, my separated life and impending divorce. The conversation focused on current events, interesting anecdotes and our “orphan”. What a relief for me, and she had a great time.
Holidays can be hard. Hard for all of us actually, regardless of our relationship status. Please remember …. Thanksgiving is only 24 hours. Thanksgiving is just another day, like any other Thursday. There are millions of people in the world who don’t celebrate the fourth Thursday in November.
Make it special for yourself.
djv
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
HOW TO GET STARTED
We had a great question sent to us by a follower. We answered the question in the comment section of the blog but wanted all our readers to see the answers.
The question was "can the DS suggest a list of things I should be thinking about to prepare [for imminent divorce proceedings]" -
Answer: OK Anonymous - here is an initial stab at your question - first, please know that we are here to help and we can offer suggestions and tidbits we learned while going through this ourselves but every person's situation is different. While we may have great insight we are not professionals. That said, do everything you can to take care of yourself.
1. Get a lawyer - friends can recommend or call your regular lawyer to get a referral.
2. Get a therapist - (remember these are two different people although they may cost the same!). Your lawyer needs to know everything that is going on but save the real emotion for the therapist.
3. Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank/investment statements, asset statements, any appraisals you may have ever had done).
4. Put these copies and any valuables you have into a safe deposit box. Get them out of temptation's way.
5. Protect your identity - change the locks on the apt or house if necessary, change passwords on all computer accounts.
6. If there are children involved you need to strategize a moving out schedule with your soon-to-be ex. Again, every situation is different but kids seem to know everything before it even happens. That's just how they are so if this has been brewing for a while chances are they have already figured it out. The more organized you are the better they'll be. Children like routine so present them with a time table for when dad is moving out etc.
7. Communication is key - you and he must keep the lines open. Thank goodness for e-mail and blackberry messenger - this is a great way to "speak" without having to pick up the phone every time you need an answer. As non-friendly as your situation may be you must be as close to being on the same page as possible with regard to the children.
We have tons to say on this topic - this is just the tip of the iceberg so please tune in again for more details on first steps.
Thank you for your questions!!
djv
Monday, November 16, 2009
Married to him/her again? Divorce "FlashBackward"
On Saturday it happened in California. One more step to ban divorce with a march in Sacramento.
How can you not laugh? The state with “irreconcilable differences” as a legal reason for divorce hosts a demonstration to ban divorce. How two faced. California enacted America’s first no-fault divorce law, and in order to be the first again, a ballot is in the works to make divorce illegal. Protecting marriage? More like a covert action by the pharmaceutical companies to increase sales of Valium, Xanax etc ….
As if the possible illegality of divorce isn’t enough, some proponents support making the divorce ban retroactive. As in “Congratulations! You are married to him/her ... again”.
It's completely and totally unimaginable for the me of today to re-join the marriage of my past. It couldn’t work. Today’s me would not even be attracted to that old life.
But let’s play with this. Suppose there was some perverse reversal of the TV show "FlashForward" where instead of everyone getting a glimpse of their own future they got to look at themselves in the past. Where would you be in a FlashBackward vs. where you are today?
What would most likely be in my FlashBackward?
It’s interesting that writing this is occurring around Thanksgiving. Thank you universe for my FlashBackward not happening. How bizarre that I am grateful for my divorce? Great results came out of my most difficult circumstances: freedom, discipline, clarity, friendship, love, calm, power, peace, understanding, happiness, respect …. The list of positives could go on and on.
Your divorce may seem like a dark and never ending tunnel, but there is a light at the end, and it's bright!
So tell us … How would your FlashBackward look in contrast to today?
djv
djv@divorcesalon.com
How can you not laugh? The state with “irreconcilable differences” as a legal reason for divorce hosts a demonstration to ban divorce. How two faced. California enacted America’s first no-fault divorce law, and in order to be the first again, a ballot is in the works to make divorce illegal. Protecting marriage? More like a covert action by the pharmaceutical companies to increase sales of Valium, Xanax etc ….
As if the possible illegality of divorce isn’t enough, some proponents support making the divorce ban retroactive. As in “Congratulations! You are married to him/her ... again”.
It's completely and totally unimaginable for the me of today to re-join the marriage of my past. It couldn’t work. Today’s me would not even be attracted to that old life.
But let’s play with this. Suppose there was some perverse reversal of the TV show "FlashForward" where instead of everyone getting a glimpse of their own future they got to look at themselves in the past. Where would you be in a FlashBackward vs. where you are today?
What would most likely be in my FlashBackward?
- Still running and gasping for air on the Keeping up with the Jones’ treadmill
- Stuffing my needs, wants and dreams into a tiny locked box in order to support his
- At least 10 additional pounds
- Having panic filled mornings plagued with “how are the bills for his must have watch, car, wine etc … going to get paid?”
- Daily “Are you there vodka?” shout outs
It’s interesting that writing this is occurring around Thanksgiving. Thank you universe for my FlashBackward not happening. How bizarre that I am grateful for my divorce? Great results came out of my most difficult circumstances: freedom, discipline, clarity, friendship, love, calm, power, peace, understanding, happiness, respect …. The list of positives could go on and on.
Your divorce may seem like a dark and never ending tunnel, but there is a light at the end, and it's bright!
So tell us … How would your FlashBackward look in contrast to today?
djv
djv@divorcesalon.com
Monday, November 9, 2009
Why did I Google my ex?
What compels me to type his name in the search bar and click on the magnifying glass?
This happens about once a year, usually around our wedding anniversary (about 1 month before the holiday season starts).
While hitting the letters to spell his name, the little voice in my head said "why are you doing this & what are you looking for?" The little voice's meek-ish response is "oh ... I just wonder what he's up to?". My brain tells me that just ain't so.
My divorce has been final for over 7 years. With my ex living thousands of miles away, some would consider me "fortunate". As for our marital friends, they fell into the inevitable "his" or "hers" bucket.
Is this internet search really only idle curiosity? Or was it something else? My casual nosiness was satisfied in less than 30 minutes, but the time could have been used to paint my nails, balance my checkbook, have a glass of wine, watch an episode of any one of The Real Housewives, catch up with a friend (in other words half an hour of something far more personally fulfilling). So why this? Why now?
There wasn't anything specific I was hoping or dreading finding. What popped up? Links to profiles on those business contact sites (LinkedIn, Jigsaw, etc ....), a recent announcement of a new position in the same industry, and a picture from a work event. Absent were the cringes, deep breaths, and expletives one would expect with thoughts that the photo could be with the "new one".
So what propelled me to do this? Let me ask you ... Are you competitive with your ex? Just the tiniest bit? Come on! The little short lived boost that comes with "I have a better life than her/him" feels good. For less than 30 minutes, I took solace knowing his career had not leapfrogged mine. Plus, our wedding announcement was the 4th item on the Google search of him and the 6th item on mine .... So my current life is far more fantastic and internet news worthy than his. That's a joke!!! Laugh please!!!!
Am still wondering what caused me to ask a browser what my ex is up to. From time to time, perhaps we should re-visit our past to be grateful for what we have in the present, and pat ourselves on the back for the progress we've made in the face of all of the challenges.
For men and women asking how long it takes to get over their marriage/divorce, take a look at me. Seven years out, and it hasn't totally gone away. Honestly, marriage/divorce is too significant to disappear. The emotional effort does become smaller and less charged. In my case, coming up just once per year for less than 30 minutes.
How often, and how long, do you allow yourself to think about your ex?
djv
This happens about once a year, usually around our wedding anniversary (about 1 month before the holiday season starts).
While hitting the letters to spell his name, the little voice in my head said "why are you doing this & what are you looking for?" The little voice's meek-ish response is "oh ... I just wonder what he's up to?". My brain tells me that just ain't so.
My divorce has been final for over 7 years. With my ex living thousands of miles away, some would consider me "fortunate". As for our marital friends, they fell into the inevitable "his" or "hers" bucket.
Is this internet search really only idle curiosity? Or was it something else? My casual nosiness was satisfied in less than 30 minutes, but the time could have been used to paint my nails, balance my checkbook, have a glass of wine, watch an episode of any one of The Real Housewives, catch up with a friend (in other words half an hour of something far more personally fulfilling). So why this? Why now?
There wasn't anything specific I was hoping or dreading finding. What popped up? Links to profiles on those business contact sites (LinkedIn, Jigsaw, etc ....), a recent announcement of a new position in the same industry, and a picture from a work event. Absent were the cringes, deep breaths, and expletives one would expect with thoughts that the photo could be with the "new one".
So what propelled me to do this? Let me ask you ... Are you competitive with your ex? Just the tiniest bit? Come on! The little short lived boost that comes with "I have a better life than her/him" feels good. For less than 30 minutes, I took solace knowing his career had not leapfrogged mine. Plus, our wedding announcement was the 4th item on the Google search of him and the 6th item on mine .... So my current life is far more fantastic and internet news worthy than his. That's a joke!!! Laugh please!!!!
Am still wondering what caused me to ask a browser what my ex is up to. From time to time, perhaps we should re-visit our past to be grateful for what we have in the present, and pat ourselves on the back for the progress we've made in the face of all of the challenges.
For men and women asking how long it takes to get over their marriage/divorce, take a look at me. Seven years out, and it hasn't totally gone away. Honestly, marriage/divorce is too significant to disappear. The emotional effort does become smaller and less charged. In my case, coming up just once per year for less than 30 minutes.
How often, and how long, do you allow yourself to think about your ex?
djv
Saturday, November 7, 2009
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
We started this venture not that long ago and we are thrilled to have so many fans and followers. Thank you!
Yes it's our job to write about topics that might interest you but we want to hear from our readers and fans - what subjects do you want us to focus on? We have been through practically everything so we want to field some of your questions. Not all of the topics we decide to write about may interest you or pertain to your situation. Please write in with YOUR questions and we will try our best to respond. We have written about commitment phobias, what to do with your wedding band and engagement ring, how to spread the word of your divorce and several other topics. We are standing by with our advice on anything divorce-related. How to find a lawyer, what questions to ask, what to be prepared for, how to gain your independence after marriage, how to deal if your ex is dating and you are not.
Please respond to us with your questions!
We are here for you!
djv
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Commitment Phobia Battle cont ….
Here’s part 2 of the anonymous comment we just had to make a post:
THEM? You can’t really be condensing all of us (men or women) into a single category of THEM. That’s just so incredibly surface, and you are only looking at the outer rough skin of the onion (it’s softer and smoother underneath, with parts you would actually … dare we say it …. eat).
Stereotypes applied to “all” women and “all” men are over exaggerations. Yeah we’ve all said them. “Men … Can’t live with em; can’t shoot em.” But let’s get real. The only commonalities between all members of each gender are physical. Men have penises and women have breasts … well men have breasts too, but you get the idea.
Stereotyping may provide us with immediate short term comfort; however, are we applying the generality to shut down an opportunity because it’s easier? Are we so petrified of getting hurt again that we opt out? There’s nothing wrong with fear; it’s what we do in the face of it that counts.
Alas it is true that your “current honey” is one of THEM. It can’t be avoided. No matter if you are a man or a woman, heterosexual or homosexual, you will indeed be getting together with one of THEM.
Anonymous,
It sounds like you are in pleasant shock that you could feel great in a relationship again, proving to us all that there is light at the end of the divorce tunnel.
By the way, if your “current honey” is divorced, you are one of THEM too.
djv
My divorce instilled a deep feeling of betrayal and mistrust of the opposite sex such that I don’t know if I can ever trust one of THEM again, certainly enough to marry them. I've spent a king’s ransom with my shrink to look inward for strength and understanding. My current honey makes me feel great, but still one of THEM! What do I do?
THEM? You can’t really be condensing all of us (men or women) into a single category of THEM. That’s just so incredibly surface, and you are only looking at the outer rough skin of the onion (it’s softer and smoother underneath, with parts you would actually … dare we say it …. eat).
Stereotypes applied to “all” women and “all” men are over exaggerations. Yeah we’ve all said them. “Men … Can’t live with em; can’t shoot em.” But let’s get real. The only commonalities between all members of each gender are physical. Men have penises and women have breasts … well men have breasts too, but you get the idea.
Stereotyping may provide us with immediate short term comfort; however, are we applying the generality to shut down an opportunity because it’s easier? Are we so petrified of getting hurt again that we opt out? There’s nothing wrong with fear; it’s what we do in the face of it that counts.
Alas it is true that your “current honey” is one of THEM. It can’t be avoided. No matter if you are a man or a woman, heterosexual or homosexual, you will indeed be getting together with one of THEM.
Anonymous,
It sounds like you are in pleasant shock that you could feel great in a relationship again, proving to us all that there is light at the end of the divorce tunnel.
By the way, if your “current honey” is divorced, you are one of THEM too.
djv
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Facebooking divorce ... Think again before clicking share
Tweeting Divorce in the Digital Age: The Perils of Text Messaging today got us to thinking about Anonymous' comment on "Sharing the Not-So-Good News".
How some men and women are using social media to communicate about their divorce is horrifying. What are they thinking? Yes, they are hurt and mad. But the immediate gratification and perceived fulfillment of "oh I'm going to get them" is not the answer, and can be fraught with peril. Step back from the keyboard! Wall posts and photos can become a gold mine to opposing counsel (even the deleted ones can be found ... see "Facebook and Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry").
Changing your relationship status to "It's Complicated"? If your divorce is definite, why not make the update and enable your friends to send (and you to receive) some supportive messages. Take deeper communications off line, remembering Anonymous' request and words: "plueeze spare us non-inner circle acquaintances the gory details! It is nobody elses business. This is a private matter that requires manners of discretion".
Perhaps we are old fashioned, but what ever happened to writing in a journal, talking on the phone or visiting with someone in person?
Remember Hill Street Blues? DVJ borrowing the words of Sgt.Phil Esterhaus "Hey... Let's be careful out there".
How some men and women are using social media to communicate about their divorce is horrifying. What are they thinking? Yes, they are hurt and mad. But the immediate gratification and perceived fulfillment of "oh I'm going to get them" is not the answer, and can be fraught with peril. Step back from the keyboard! Wall posts and photos can become a gold mine to opposing counsel (even the deleted ones can be found ... see "Facebook and Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry").
Changing your relationship status to "It's Complicated"? If your divorce is definite, why not make the update and enable your friends to send (and you to receive) some supportive messages. Take deeper communications off line, remembering Anonymous' request and words: "plueeze spare us non-inner circle acquaintances the gory details! It is nobody elses business. This is a private matter that requires manners of discretion".
Perhaps we are old fashioned, but what ever happened to writing in a journal, talking on the phone or visiting with someone in person?
Remember Hill Street Blues? DVJ borrowing the words of Sgt.Phil Esterhaus "Hey... Let's be careful out there".
