We just had to make this anonymous comment a post:
"What are the musings of the DS ladies regarding curing commitment phobia caused by divorce? Is it better to be unhappy and alone, or unhappy and in a relationship?"
Just getting back into the dating saddle? Tis better to be unhappy and alone. Before you start getting agro questioning our sanity … Unhappy and alone is a temporary place, and a place you should be in after divorce. We challenge the word alone. Are we ever truly alone? We have friends, family, co-workers and people in the grocery store surrounding us. On a solo camping trip, the park ranger is out there. Flip it around. Why would someone choose unhappy in their next relationship? Didn’t you just have that? How did that work out for you? Whether you were the unhappy former partner or you became unhappy with the steps taken by your unhappy former partner, why would you do that again? Afraid of being "alone"? Re-read this paragraph and use the phone.
Quantum physics touts that like attracts like, so unhappy attracts unhappy. While dating the man described in our first post, one of my fabulously gay friends told me flat out, without any reservations, that I was attracted to unavailable men because I was unavailable. Totally shocked, I fought back. Me? Unavailable? Not possible. But I was giving off that sense. Like the Eau De Desperation cologne. The wearer doesn’t even get a whiff, while others smell it a mile away.
For fans of electrostatic theory (opposite charges attract and like charges repel), we concede that unhappy people can attract happy people. However, eventually happy crumbles in the presence of unhappy, creating like charges, which ultimately repel.
Commitment phobia from divorce? Let’s work with the assumption that you have figured out what you enjoy and makes you happy. If the only thing on your “what makes you happy” list is a relationship, go back and dig deeper. Make decisions/commitments in other areas of your “new” life. Where to live? Plasma or LCD? Paint color? Waterbed or tempurpedic? Overcoming commitment phobia takes practice and research on what’s available out there. Create forward momentum by making choices/commitments in other areas of your life, and then date lots of people. Don’t go “all in” too early. Study the different options. Do you buy the first car you test drive or the first melon you pick up in the produce section? No. You may return and choose those first ones because of the knowledge you gained from your research.
Avoid paralysis by analysis; you have to close doors to move forward. You have to commit to get the prize (a new car or a delicious melon). How many times have we heard, or said, “I want to keep all of my options open”? It really doesn’t work. If you want a loving committed relationship, just try dating multiple people for an extended period of time. It becomes exhausting, confusing, expensive, unfulfilling and ultimately nudges you to make a choice/commitment. Unless you are a serial dater, with practice and research you can commit again.
There’s a part 2 to Anonymous’ post … stay tuned!
Comment below on what you think. You can also email us at djv@divorcesalon.com
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sharing the Not-So-Good News
When the decision has been mutually and decisively made to throw in the proverbial towel, how can the news be tactfully and effectively spread???
Some options we have seen exercised in the Divorce Salon include:
MASS EMAIL OR USAGE OF INTERNET (e.g., Linked-in, Facebook...).
Our members generally find this an inappropriate and impersonal way to pack a big punch. You don't really know where your reader will be and how they will react when they get the news. It can have the effect of trivializing marriage, which may not score high points with your married or Catholic friends.
HOLIDAY CARDS
It is certainly an option to include the news in your annual here's-what-we-have been-up-to letter. Those in the Salon seem to dread these letters which are usually boastful and self-congratulatory, if not downright annoying (do we really need to know exactly how many field hockey goals your daughter scored last season?). However, a few did think the news could be communicated appropriately and quickly via this method.
You can also do what I did unwittingly in keeping people guessing. The last two years I sent Xmas cards (sans dreaded letter) featuring a photo of myself and my daughters (father conspicuously absent after appearing for prior 8 yrs). Most people conclude one of the following: he was too busy to be around when photo was taken; he is not in photo because he is taking the pict.; he is woefully anti-photogenic; or, my personal favorite -- that he died and I am too distressed to address the loss head-on.
IN PERSON
As you stumble your way through this painful process, you will also be regularly stumbling into friends, family and acquaintances. Telling them in person can get the job done. While this may make them feel honored that you have sought them out/taken them into your confidence, we aren't really worried about THEM. YOU have to do what feels right and comfortable. The setting and mood need to cooperate because the last thing you want is to fall apart in the produce department or at the lower school assembly. That said, people are often surprisingly supportive and this can be a boost. One of the gals in the Salon recalls telling a friend on a street corner who shouted "Congratulations" and swept her up in a bear hug before apologizing for not being more sympathetic. She promptly confessed that her elation stemmed from the happiness she had achieved post-divorce herself.
TELEPHONE
Our consensus was that this is most appropriate, esp for close family and friends, but can take a long time. And how many times do you want to rehash the horror story? Everyone invariably wants you to regurgitate the gory details and reads between the lines if you offer any comment beyond the fact that you are divorcing. Our members recommend keeping it short and simple: "Jim and I are divorcing. I am sorry to share this bad news and hope you won't be offended by my reluctance to discuss it further at this time." Another strategy offered was share the fact and then change subject to your children (if you have any) or to what you will need: "I am happy to report that the children are healthy and doing well in school. Obviously their sense of happiness and security will remain my primary focus...." or, "Now that I have told you my news, I hope you might invite me to those lectures you host as I will be looking to get out and distract myself..." And then, for goodness sake, get off the phone before you say something you will later regret. The temptation to dish can be irresistible.
I made the mistake myself in my opening line which really says more than it needed to: "Jane, I hate to share bad news but I am being aggressively divorced..."
COMBINATION OF METHODS AND EMPLOYING EMISSARIES
This is, by far, the best option we can recommend. There is nothing wrong with emailing your accountant, your Xmas card could have an upbeat personalized note for those you haven't seen since high school ("It is true that I am getting divorced but the girls and I are still going to Mexico"), and your mother really does need to see you in person, or hear from you by phone.
But the ingenious way to get the news out, to a large portion of those who will eventually need to know, is to get OTHERS to do it for you. It is brilliant because they are not emotionally invested (or explosive); they don't mind saying the same thing over and over (they are thrilled to help); and they can play interference: "Joan really wanted to make sure you knew but she is really occupied right now and just wants some space. But definitely email her in the next few months, when things have calmed down." A good friend will rehearse it with you and not give out more info than you want divulged. She will do it in a way that the receiver will not be offended that it is not coming from you because this messenger has been sent directly and specially to the receiver (...and the rest of your coworkers, summer community, and former classmates...).
Think of going public with your divorce as the launching of a public relations campaign. You will feel more scrutinized in the coming months/years than you ever have. Public relations campaigns need excellent management, advice, and staff. Whether it is cash, custody, or your reputation you are looking to preserve (and it is usually all three), set the tone now and analyze your tactics regularly. Beef up your campaign with the help of those who have the right balance of loyalty and objectivity. You are going to need a lot of both to get through this...
DJV
Some options we have seen exercised in the Divorce Salon include:
MASS EMAIL OR USAGE OF INTERNET (e.g., Linked-in, Facebook...).
Our members generally find this an inappropriate and impersonal way to pack a big punch. You don't really know where your reader will be and how they will react when they get the news. It can have the effect of trivializing marriage, which may not score high points with your married or Catholic friends.
HOLIDAY CARDS
It is certainly an option to include the news in your annual here's-what-we-have been-up-to letter. Those in the Salon seem to dread these letters which are usually boastful and self-congratulatory, if not downright annoying (do we really need to know exactly how many field hockey goals your daughter scored last season?). However, a few did think the news could be communicated appropriately and quickly via this method.
You can also do what I did unwittingly in keeping people guessing. The last two years I sent Xmas cards (sans dreaded letter) featuring a photo of myself and my daughters (father conspicuously absent after appearing for prior 8 yrs). Most people conclude one of the following: he was too busy to be around when photo was taken; he is not in photo because he is taking the pict.; he is woefully anti-photogenic; or, my personal favorite -- that he died and I am too distressed to address the loss head-on.
IN PERSON
As you stumble your way through this painful process, you will also be regularly stumbling into friends, family and acquaintances. Telling them in person can get the job done. While this may make them feel honored that you have sought them out/taken them into your confidence, we aren't really worried about THEM. YOU have to do what feels right and comfortable. The setting and mood need to cooperate because the last thing you want is to fall apart in the produce department or at the lower school assembly. That said, people are often surprisingly supportive and this can be a boost. One of the gals in the Salon recalls telling a friend on a street corner who shouted "Congratulations" and swept her up in a bear hug before apologizing for not being more sympathetic. She promptly confessed that her elation stemmed from the happiness she had achieved post-divorce herself.
TELEPHONE
Our consensus was that this is most appropriate, esp for close family and friends, but can take a long time. And how many times do you want to rehash the horror story? Everyone invariably wants you to regurgitate the gory details and reads between the lines if you offer any comment beyond the fact that you are divorcing. Our members recommend keeping it short and simple: "Jim and I are divorcing. I am sorry to share this bad news and hope you won't be offended by my reluctance to discuss it further at this time." Another strategy offered was share the fact and then change subject to your children (if you have any) or to what you will need: "I am happy to report that the children are healthy and doing well in school. Obviously their sense of happiness and security will remain my primary focus...." or, "Now that I have told you my news, I hope you might invite me to those lectures you host as I will be looking to get out and distract myself..." And then, for goodness sake, get off the phone before you say something you will later regret. The temptation to dish can be irresistible.
I made the mistake myself in my opening line which really says more than it needed to: "Jane, I hate to share bad news but I am being aggressively divorced..."
COMBINATION OF METHODS AND EMPLOYING EMISSARIES
This is, by far, the best option we can recommend. There is nothing wrong with emailing your accountant, your Xmas card could have an upbeat personalized note for those you haven't seen since high school ("It is true that I am getting divorced but the girls and I are still going to Mexico"), and your mother really does need to see you in person, or hear from you by phone.
But the ingenious way to get the news out, to a large portion of those who will eventually need to know, is to get OTHERS to do it for you. It is brilliant because they are not emotionally invested (or explosive); they don't mind saying the same thing over and over (they are thrilled to help); and they can play interference: "Joan really wanted to make sure you knew but she is really occupied right now and just wants some space. But definitely email her in the next few months, when things have calmed down." A good friend will rehearse it with you and not give out more info than you want divulged. She will do it in a way that the receiver will not be offended that it is not coming from you because this messenger has been sent directly and specially to the receiver (...and the rest of your coworkers, summer community, and former classmates...).
Think of going public with your divorce as the launching of a public relations campaign. You will feel more scrutinized in the coming months/years than you ever have. Public relations campaigns need excellent management, advice, and staff. Whether it is cash, custody, or your reputation you are looking to preserve (and it is usually all three), set the tone now and analyze your tactics regularly. Beef up your campaign with the help of those who have the right balance of loyalty and objectivity. You are going to need a lot of both to get through this...
DJV
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
What to do with the marriage hardware (aka the rings)
One of the ladies smiled and with a slightly rebellious look in her eye, held up her newly naked left hand saying “look, hardware removal”.
Hardware? Like a piece of a computer? With further reflection, hardware is a spot on description of those rings. Perhaps it’s a stretch to compare a 2 carat, round cut, VVS1, G color grade diamond ring to a 24-inch, 1920-by-1200 resolution, widescreen computer monitor. But … Have you ever tried to get rid of them? It’s not that easy. How do you “properly” dispose of them (in a way that’s good for the environment, your psychological environment that is). Re-purpose, re-cycle or donate?
The law says that as long as you went through with the marriage you are entitled to keep the engagement ring (interpreted from divorcesource.com). But the question remains, how do I get rid of it?
Re-Purposing
People say you can always “make it into a necklace or pin”. That just wasn’t in the cards for me. It didn’t matter that the stone would be in a different setting or displayed on a different part of my body. The fact of the matter was that that stone would be looking back at me in the mirror every time I wore it. Pretty girl, great outfit, and blammo that stone staring back at me, reminding me of my failed marriage and the hopes and dreams that died along with it. No way was I going to put myself through that.
Donating
Or in my case, returning it to my ex. Yes, women do do this! And we bear the burden of constantly being asked “why would you do that?” with some more powerful expletives added depending on the askers level of shock and awe. It was a family stone. Could it have been sold? Sure. Would the extra cash have been handy? Yes. Would the physical dollars have been equal to the sentimental value of the stone to his family? No way. Bottom line, it meant more to them than it did to me, so back it went.
Recycle for cash
Internet marketplaces hadn’t come to be, so I got my emotions in check and took the hardware to a pawn shop. Not one of those dirty places littered with electric guitars and amps from struggling artists needing to pay the rent. It was in a good zip code, and was more like a consignment shop with gently used clothing, furniture, home accessories and jewelry. Timidly telling the lady I had two rings I wanted to sell began my enlightenment process. The two most symbolic pieces from my marriage, even with the priest’s blessing, had no value. Even with diamonds and a luxury brand name. Zero dollars. The engraving, the investment of time we had made in choosing the right words, eliminated any cash value for the precious metal and stones.
If only ebay, craigslist or cash4gold had been around for “proper” disposal. There are over 70,000 diamonds listed on ebay of which 1800 are described as “used”. It makes me wonder, are diamonds like a Christmas fruitcake? Only a few in the world and passed around?
What ultimately happened to those two rings? I gave them to someone who is extremely close to me. The mojo needed to be extracted, so it didn’t matter what she did with them. To this day, it’s unclear where the remaining hardware ended up.
Guys and gals we want to know what you did with your marriage hardware, so comment or email us at djv@divorcesalon.com.
Hardware? Like a piece of a computer? With further reflection, hardware is a spot on description of those rings. Perhaps it’s a stretch to compare a 2 carat, round cut, VVS1, G color grade diamond ring to a 24-inch, 1920-by-1200 resolution, widescreen computer monitor. But … Have you ever tried to get rid of them? It’s not that easy. How do you “properly” dispose of them (in a way that’s good for the environment, your psychological environment that is). Re-purpose, re-cycle or donate?
The law says that as long as you went through with the marriage you are entitled to keep the engagement ring (interpreted from divorcesource.com). But the question remains, how do I get rid of it?
Re-Purposing
People say you can always “make it into a necklace or pin”. That just wasn’t in the cards for me. It didn’t matter that the stone would be in a different setting or displayed on a different part of my body. The fact of the matter was that that stone would be looking back at me in the mirror every time I wore it. Pretty girl, great outfit, and blammo that stone staring back at me, reminding me of my failed marriage and the hopes and dreams that died along with it. No way was I going to put myself through that.
Donating
Or in my case, returning it to my ex. Yes, women do do this! And we bear the burden of constantly being asked “why would you do that?” with some more powerful expletives added depending on the askers level of shock and awe. It was a family stone. Could it have been sold? Sure. Would the extra cash have been handy? Yes. Would the physical dollars have been equal to the sentimental value of the stone to his family? No way. Bottom line, it meant more to them than it did to me, so back it went.
Recycle for cash
Internet marketplaces hadn’t come to be, so I got my emotions in check and took the hardware to a pawn shop. Not one of those dirty places littered with electric guitars and amps from struggling artists needing to pay the rent. It was in a good zip code, and was more like a consignment shop with gently used clothing, furniture, home accessories and jewelry. Timidly telling the lady I had two rings I wanted to sell began my enlightenment process. The two most symbolic pieces from my marriage, even with the priest’s blessing, had no value. Even with diamonds and a luxury brand name. Zero dollars. The engraving, the investment of time we had made in choosing the right words, eliminated any cash value for the precious metal and stones.
If only ebay, craigslist or cash4gold had been around for “proper” disposal. There are over 70,000 diamonds listed on ebay of which 1800 are described as “used”. It makes me wonder, are diamonds like a Christmas fruitcake? Only a few in the world and passed around?
What ultimately happened to those two rings? I gave them to someone who is extremely close to me. The mojo needed to be extracted, so it didn’t matter what she did with them. To this day, it’s unclear where the remaining hardware ended up.
Guys and gals we want to know what you did with your marriage hardware, so comment or email us at djv@divorcesalon.com.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
My Man Tennyson
While we mull over the notion of why men say those three little words so quickly (actually I thought they were reluctant to say those three words myself...) anyway, I'd like to ponder another topic. Is it better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?
This was most aptly put by Alfred Lord Tennyson in his 1850 poem entitled in memoriam 27.
The poem goes like this:
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
I think he put it very well! and I personally agree. Many people don't see the silver lining to each cloud but some might agree with me when I say that having been married and having loved and been loved - even if it didn't work out in the end - is better than sitting around all by yourself! Don't get me wrong - I love being by myself but seriously, isn't life more fun when you have someone to share things with? Even if your marriage ends in a nasty divorce there have to have been some fun times and things that make you laugh or smile or both.
Maybe this is a pie in the sky attitude but life is too short to have regrets and anger - I firmly believe that you have to look on the bright side. So if you are contemplating your past marriage or going through a divorce I think it's time to reflect on the good parts of whatever your situation was, learn from the mistakes and move on with a clear head.
Now - does anyone disagree?? We want to hear from you!
As always,
djv
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Divorce Salon … 3 women in 3 different stages blogging about what comes up with divorce
How quickly has a man told you he loves you and how long did that relationship last? Also why do they say it so quickly?
About 1 month for him to utter the L word, and a total of 9 months together. His first declaration of love was a txt message. Should have been a huge red flag, but he “said it”. He said those words that women dream about hearing. Well …. Actually …. He wrote it, but putting it down in writing is more powerful, right? WRONG! Since the txt arrived when I was over 1000 miles away, his missing me must have given him time to think/reflect and decide that I was the one. Naively hopefully and blissfully ignorant come to mind. After multiple verbal utterances of love, my world fell apart with his words “I don’t see a future for us” 9 months later.
Men like the guy above … in the process, or just coming out, of a divorce say “I love you” quickly. Why? They use the broadest definition of love. Huh? Think of all of the things you love. Eating ice cream directly from the container, The Housewives, Manolos, your fabulously gay neighbor. Love comes in different intensities and flavors. It’s very possible a man loves you like they love something else positive in their lives. What a downer to think that a man may love you in the same way they love pizza delivery during March Madness.
And/or are they practicing? With the question of “can I do it again” the invincible male gives it a shot. Sure he “loves” you, perhaps even as much as the ice-y cold one after catching the big fish. With that he utters the words. We smile, get all happy, and ooze a positive response to his statement. To himself he says “not bad”, “good response”, and knows he can say “I love you” without barfing up lunch or losing a critical body part. BTW it’s not malicious because he does love you (using that broad definition).
How’s that for an explanation of 1 month to L?
djv
About 1 month for him to utter the L word, and a total of 9 months together. His first declaration of love was a txt message. Should have been a huge red flag, but he “said it”. He said those words that women dream about hearing. Well …. Actually …. He wrote it, but putting it down in writing is more powerful, right? WRONG! Since the txt arrived when I was over 1000 miles away, his missing me must have given him time to think/reflect and decide that I was the one. Naively hopefully and blissfully ignorant come to mind. After multiple verbal utterances of love, my world fell apart with his words “I don’t see a future for us” 9 months later.
Men like the guy above … in the process, or just coming out, of a divorce say “I love you” quickly. Why? They use the broadest definition of love. Huh? Think of all of the things you love. Eating ice cream directly from the container, The Housewives, Manolos, your fabulously gay neighbor. Love comes in different intensities and flavors. It’s very possible a man loves you like they love something else positive in their lives. What a downer to think that a man may love you in the same way they love pizza delivery during March Madness.
And/or are they practicing? With the question of “can I do it again” the invincible male gives it a shot. Sure he “loves” you, perhaps even as much as the ice-y cold one after catching the big fish. With that he utters the words. We smile, get all happy, and ooze a positive response to his statement. To himself he says “not bad”, “good response”, and knows he can say “I love you” without barfing up lunch or losing a critical body part. BTW it’s not malicious because he does love you (using that broad definition).
How’s that for an explanation of 1 month to L?
djv
