Sharing the Not-So-Good News

When the decision has been mutually and decisively made to throw in the proverbial towel, how can the news be tactfully and effectively spread???

Some options we have seen exercised in the Divorce Salon include:

MASS EMAIL OR USAGE OF INTERNET (e.g., Linked-in, Facebook...).
Our members generally find this an inappropriate and impersonal way to pack a big punch. You don't really know where your reader will be and how they will react when they get the news. It can have the effect of trivializing marriage, which may not score high points with your married or Catholic friends.

HOLIDAY CARDS
It is certainly an option to include the news in your annual here's-what-we-have been-up-to letter. Those in the Salon seem to dread these letters which are usually boastful and self-congratulatory, if not downright annoying (do we really need to know exactly how many field hockey goals your daughter scored last season?). However, a few did think the news could be communicated appropriately and quickly via this method.
You can also do what I did unwittingly in keeping people guessing. The last two years I sent Xmas cards (sans dreaded letter) featuring a photo of myself and my daughters (father conspicuously absent after appearing for prior 8 yrs). Most people conclude one of the following: he was too busy to be around when photo was taken; he is not in photo because he is taking the pict.; he is woefully anti-photogenic; or, my personal favorite -- that he died and I am too distressed to address the loss head-on.

IN PERSON
As you stumble your way through this painful process, you will also be regularly stumbling into friends, family and acquaintances. Telling them in person can get the job done. While this may make them feel honored that you have sought them out/taken them into your confidence, we aren't really worried about THEM. YOU have to do what feels right and comfortable. The setting and mood need to cooperate because the last thing you want is to fall apart in the produce department or at the lower school assembly. That said, people are often surprisingly supportive and this can be a boost. One of the gals in the Salon recalls telling a friend on a street corner who shouted "Congratulations" and swept her up in a bear hug before apologizing for not being more sympathetic. She promptly confessed that her elation stemmed from the happiness she had achieved post-divorce herself.

TELEPHONE
Our consensus was that this is most appropriate, esp for close family and friends, but can take a long time. And how many times do you want to rehash the horror story? Everyone invariably wants you to regurgitate the gory details and reads between the lines if you offer any comment beyond the fact that you are divorcing. Our members recommend keeping it short and simple: "Jim and I are divorcing. I am sorry to share this bad news and hope you won't be offended by my reluctance to discuss it further at this time." Another strategy offered was share the fact and then change subject to your children (if you have any) or to what you will need: "I am happy to report that the children are healthy and doing well in school. Obviously their sense of happiness and security will remain my primary focus...." or, "Now that I have told you my news, I hope you might invite me to those lectures you host as I will be looking to get out and distract myself..." And then, for goodness sake, get off the phone before you say something you will later regret. The temptation to dish can be irresistible.
I made the mistake myself in my opening line which really says more than it needed to: "Jane, I hate to share bad news but I am being aggressively divorced..."

COMBINATION OF METHODS AND EMPLOYING EMISSARIES
This is, by far, the best option we can recommend. There is nothing wrong with emailing your accountant, your Xmas card could have an upbeat personalized note for those you haven't seen since high school ("It is true that I am getting divorced but the girls and I are still going to Mexico"), and your mother really does need to see you in person, or hear from you by phone.
But the ingenious way to get the news out, to a large portion of those who will eventually need to know, is to get OTHERS to do it for you. It is brilliant because they are not emotionally invested (or explosive); they don't mind saying the same thing over and over (they are thrilled to help); and they can play interference: "Joan really wanted to make sure you knew but she is really occupied right now and just wants some space. But definitely email her in the next few months, when things have calmed down." A good friend will rehearse it with you and not give out more info than you want divulged. She will do it in a way that the receiver will not be offended that it is not coming from you because this messenger has been sent directly and specially to the receiver (...and the rest of your coworkers, summer community, and former classmates...).

Think of going public with your divorce as the launching of a public relations campaign. You will feel more scrutinized in the coming months/years than you ever have. Public relations campaigns need excellent management, advice, and staff. Whether it is cash, custody, or your reputation you are looking to preserve (and it is usually all three), set the tone now and analyze your tactics regularly. Beef up your campaign with the help of those who have the right balance of loyalty and objectivity. You are going to need a lot of both to get through this...

DJV