Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Commitment Phobia Battle

We just had to make this anonymous comment a post:

"What are the musings of the DS ladies regarding curing commitment phobia caused by divorce? Is it better to be unhappy and alone, or unhappy and in a relationship?"

Just getting back into the dating saddle? Tis better to be unhappy and alone. Before you start getting agro questioning our sanity … Unhappy and alone is a temporary place, and a place you should be in after divorce. We challenge the word alone. Are we ever truly alone? We have friends, family, co-workers and people in the grocery store surrounding us. On a solo camping trip, the park ranger is out there. Flip it around. Why would someone choose unhappy in their next relationship? Didn’t you just have that? How did that work out for you? Whether you were the unhappy former partner or you became unhappy with the steps taken by your unhappy former partner, why would you do that again? Afraid of being "alone"? Re-read this paragraph and use the phone.

Quantum physics touts that like attracts like, so unhappy attracts unhappy. While dating the man described in our first post, one of my fabulously gay friends told me flat out, without any reservations, that I was attracted to unavailable men because I was unavailable. Totally shocked, I fought back. Me? Unavailable? Not possible. But I was giving off that sense. Like the Eau De Desperation cologne. The wearer doesn’t even get a whiff, while others smell it a mile away.

For fans of electrostatic theory (opposite charges attract and like charges repel), we concede that unhappy people can attract happy people. However, eventually happy crumbles in the presence of unhappy, creating like charges, which ultimately repel.

Commitment phobia from divorce? Let’s work with the assumption that you have figured out what you enjoy and makes you happy. If the only thing on your “what makes you happy” list is a relationship, go back and dig deeper. Make decisions/commitments in other areas of your “new” life. Where to live? Plasma or LCD? Paint color? Waterbed or tempurpedic? Overcoming commitment phobia takes practice and research on what’s available out there. Create forward momentum by making choices/commitments in other areas of your life, and then date lots of people. Don’t go “all in” too early. Study the different options. Do you buy the first car you test drive or the first melon you pick up in the produce section? No. You may return and choose those first ones because of the knowledge you gained from your research.

Avoid paralysis by analysis; you have to close doors to move forward. You have to commit to get the prize (a new car or a delicious melon). How many times have we heard, or said, “I want to keep all of my options open”? It really doesn’t work. If you want a loving committed relationship, just try dating multiple people for an extended period of time. It becomes exhausting, confusing, expensive, unfulfilling and ultimately nudges you to make a choice/commitment. Unless you are a serial dater, with practice and research you can commit again.

There’s a part 2 to Anonymous’ post … stay tuned!

Comment below on what you think. You can also email us at djv@divorcesalon.com

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Food Network approach to relationships might claim that you have to crack quite a few eggs to make a great omelette. But to make the "keep trying on dresses until you find one that makes you look skinny but also makes the girls pop" strategy a reality means you also have to silence your Mom who in her special way still manages to have power over you...a power that is one part guilt and two parts self-esteem bashing.

Seriously, can't make the revolving door approach work unless you know what you hope to find while going around and around. You'll have to ditch the combinations that are simply not found in nature: someone who cooks, cleans, rubs your feet, likes paisley, and hates ESPN. Ladies...FAIRY TALE!!!!

Make your list and then honestly rank order the Top Ten attributes/qualities - before you go on your dating rage. Don't commit personally or trust someone who wants to commit after your first date; analyze past committment schedules - yours and others - and statistically come up with an average committment time frame for all past relationships...this is your committment baseline. Don't even think about committment until that time frame is passed.

The data will guide it...

November 2, 2009 at 4:52 PM
Divorce Salon said...

Hi Anonymous!
We love comments, and thanks a million for participating.

What’s wrong with using the revolving door approach to figure out what it is you don’t
want? Following the “you don’t truly know what you want, until you know what you
don’t want” approach.

If someone is just putting their toe into the dating scene it’s not all that important to have an end game in mind. Just going out on a date, doing the prep work (makeup, hair, outfit and engaging conversation topics), and realizing that yes someone else out there does find you witty, attractive and charming is where you have to start.

Someone may be in the place where all they want to do is date, have fun and meet new, diverse and interesting people. No commitment and thus no need for the list to be first and foremost.

Don’t get us wrong … the list is very important. It’s also critical to identify which attributes are non negotiable/must haves, and which ones have a little more wiggle room. Like with buying a new car, for a successful purchase, you need to be certain of the features that are essential to you.

Your commitment baseline seems like a good approach; keeping one’s emotions sane and
in check with reality. In general, we dislike statistics. People often think of studies as
gospel and automatically personally apply them, limit themselves and assume this is the
way it has to be. Like the one about how long it takes to recover from a divorce. We’ve
heard half the length of your marriage. So if you are 55 and had been married for 30
years, that would mean divorce recovery at 70. We’ve got plenty of examples to refute this statistic.

Thanks Anonymous!

djv

November 4, 2009 at 6:58 PM

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