Yes it's our job to write about topics that might interest you but we want to hear from our readers and fans - what subjects do you want us to focus on? We have been through practically everything so we want to field some of your questions. Not all of the topics we decide to write about may interest you or pertain to your situation. Please write in with YOUR questions and we will try our best to respond. We have written about commitment phobias, what to do with your wedding band and engagement ring, how to spread the word of your divorce and several other topics. We are standing by with our advice on anything divorce-related. How to find a lawyer, what questions to ask, what to be prepared for, how to gain your independence after marriage, how to deal if your ex is dating and you are not.
Please respond to us with your questions!
We are here for you!
djv
10 comments:
Dear DJV
My therapist said I suffer from low self esteem germinated from overcritical parents. That contributed to making a poor choice in a wife and now just though "the inevitable" divorce it's even harder not to feel like a total looser. I have professional help, but how does the DS suggest I use my circle of friends for a change to the better? rf
One's circle of friends can be the best boost a person can get! When I am feeling down there is nothing like a close friend to snap you back into the frame of mind that feels right! We here at Divorce Salon are friends and have been for many years! Doing this venture together and succeeding has given all 3 of us a much more positive outlook. It's taken us out of our day to day routine. Reaching out to friends (specific ones) is such a wonderful, basic thing to do. Now some friends (and we all have a few who love to complain or who are total kill joys) might not pick our spirits up but zero in on the ones who really make you laugh or zero in on ones you haven't seen in a while. I know when I see certain friends who I haven't kept up with, seeing them again feels like no time has elapsed in our friendship. These are the ones you want to connect with.
Another thought is that similar situations tend to bring people together. If you are recently divorced have coffee or chat with a few others in your same boat. You never know what might happen! That's how Divorce Salon was born!
Keep the comments coming! Thanks
djv
djv-
Love the site and looking for your wisdom. Regrettibly, I need to join your ranks but not sure where to begin besides getting a lawyer. With your benefit of experience, can the DS suggest a list of things that I should be thinking about to prepare? Thank you.
Anonymous -
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your question. We are working on answering you - your request is a doozy so please bear with us. This is a very important topic and we want to address it fully.
Again thank you -
djv
OK anonymous - here is an initial stab at your question - first, please know that we are here to help and we can offer suggestions and tidbits we learned while going through this but every person's situation is different. While we may have great insight we are not professionals. That said, do everythig you can to take care of yourself.
1. Get a lawyer - friend's can recommend or call your regular lawyer to get a referral.
2. Get a therapist (remember these two are different people although they may cost the same! Your lawyer needs to know everything that's going on but save the real emotion for the therapist.
3. Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank/investment statements, asset statements, any appraisals you have ever had done)
4. Put these copies and any valuables you have into a safe deposit box. Get them out of temptation's way.
5. Protect your identity - change the locks on the apt or house if necessary, change passwords on all your computer accounts.
6. If there are children involved you need to strategize a moving out schedule with your soon-to-be-ex. Again, every situation is different but kids know everything before it happens. That's just how they are so if this has been brewing for a while chances are the kids have already figured it out. The more organized you are the better they'll be. Children like routine so present them with a time table on when dad is moving out etc.
7. Communication is key - you and he must keep the lines open. Thank goodness for email and blackberry messenger - this is a great way to "speak" without having to pick up the phone every time you need to get an answer. As non-friendly as your situation may be you must be close to being on the same page as possible.
We have tons more to say on this topic - we will make this a regular post so everyone can see it and we'll keep adding to it! Thanks for the question!
djv
Thank you DJV,
This is so helpful and I have many questions too.
Yes, we have children. I have waited until the children would be away at school to do this in hopes that they will be shielded from the worst of it. I going to try to hold it all together until after the holidays but don't know if I can last six more weeks. Is it bad that I just don't want to ruin their holidays? What are the best ways to deliver the news to them, they are 12 and 14? I want to do it together with him, but what if I can't? So many questions...
I have a very smart attorney, and he's going to make sure I am protected and get my fair share. He told me not to say anything to anybody until it is official because I really dont know who my friends are, but I should at least prepare to answer some unpleasant questions. What questions did the DS get asked and what were your personal considerations that formed the answers?
I am already making copies of all our financial records and have a plan to change the locks on the doors and safes at home the day before I kick him out. I even found a stock account in his name only. The lying bastard said all accounts were in our joint names. I cant wait to see that smug monsters face!
Im looking for a new therapist because the one I have now is the one he sees. I am trying to find one that understands me, but have not yet. I didn't realize that was so hard!
But the real question is how you three in DS managed the social repurcusions. What should I expect? This will be a shocker to many as I have kept my misery to myself with a good face out to the world. A challenge will certainly be overcoming my identity in our community as "his wife", not me individually because I don't work anymore and my friends are really the wives of his friends or people we have met at the club. I know I am strong and can do this.
So, in summary, what kinds of things should I expect to hear from the community after I kick him out and how do I best prepare for them?
Thanks very much for your help. -Sarah
DJV-
Independence has been thrust upon me by divorce and is indeed invigorating. In fact, I now cannot think of my life as a happy one without it.
The problem is that I am falling in love again, but fear my newly found and appreciated independence is in jeopardy.
As we all know, marriage requires compromise.
Can one obtain a sustainable balance of independence and compromise necessary to sustain both individual independence and marriage?
And if so, how is that managed. What are some of the the tools, communication and others to keep that balance in check? Mr.WantItAll
SARAH - It sounds like you are doing the right thing by waiting until after the holidays to tell the kids the news - sometimes the right thing is the hardest to do. Some of us here at the DS had to wait for the right time too before we could tell the kids. I was told it was best to not give the kids too much advance warning or they'd obsess about it. Your kids are older though so that may not be a concern.
Our best advice, although we don't know the specifics involved, is to wait it out. The kids will forever associate the holidays with the news and that's a neurosis you don't need to impart to them! We agree with your lawyer's advice - do not tell anyone until it's official or at least until you have told your kids. You don't want them finding out from a friend whose parents told them the news before you have had a chance to tell them. Try if possible to tell the kids together. That's not a burden you should shoulder by yourself. Sit down as a family and tell them.
YES find yourself a therapist who is yours! Terrific thinking!
In terms of social repercussions - yes there will be some. The immediate reaction will most likely be that everyone is on your side which does make you feel better - at least for a little while. You don't have to ask people to choose sides but it may be a natural thing for people to gravitate to you rather than the Prince of Darkness (one of our favorite nicknames for the ex!). If you have been married for a long time which we assume you have been, judging from the age of your kids, many people may want to remain friends with you both. Your friends have probably gotten to know you both together over a long period of time. It will be hard for them to be friends with you both apart. Gradually you will probably gravitate to a lot of your women friends who are going through a divorce. Eventually you may get the feeling that dinner parties and cocktail parties are happening without you but believe us - it's hard to stay in the "couple world" when you are not part of a couple anymore. It's just a basic fact and you are entering a whole new chapter in your life. Obviously you will keep most of your old friends but you'll make a lot of new ones and maybe reconnect with some you have lost touch with.
We hope this has been helpful! Please keep asking questions!
Thank you! You will get through this. It's a terrible time to be feeling the anxieties you have but we are here to help you get through it!
djv
More thoughts for Sarah:
The older your children are, the harder they tend to take it. Sounds counter-intuitive but it is true.
I agree w/ my DJV colleague in that people will tend to side with you (the wife) but would issue a caveat -- the circumstances, or perception of them, will guide public opinion. If you are running off with your trainer, you will not be the recipient of as much sympathy as you would if your husband takes up with his 25 yr old secretary or is a publicly diagnosed porn addict.
Couples you have been hanging with, for ages, will not know what to do with you once you are no longer part of the familiar couple. No malice intended, but they their invites will taper. Truth is, married women don't really want their husbands around unmarried women.
I've a 2-fold theory. First -- the obvious -- you may be an attractive, available woman and thereby viewed as a threat (if only subconsciously). Secondly, You serve as a reminder that this could happen to them. It's a little too close for comfort; esp true for those in trouble. The more secure someone is in their married relationship, the more they will embrace you. Most marriages are not as perfect as they appear and some of your friends will privately fret because your marriage seemed, on some level, more viable than their own. (So, if yours has failed, it may be only a matter of time before their's crumbles, they reason...)
It may take awhile but you will start to conclude that your friendship base needs to evolve. Trying to mimic the same life you had with your ex, without him, may not be as satisfying as you think. If you want to preserve that life, you may be better off sticking with him.
Your departure from him will be pain-filled and require reserves of courage you do not think you have. Be prepared and seek the friendship of those who can relate. Divorced men and women are a true affiliation group, much like an alma mater or club. Ask for help, support, advice, and you will get it; chances are any new-found advocates depended heavily on others as core source of strength and info too.
And lastly, resist the urge to dish on your ex. Target your commentary on compassionate observations about your children so that your priorities seem in the right place. "I really don't think getting into my perceptions of what went wrong between Bob and me makes much sense. He will always be the children's father and my focus lies with them. I have made sure to establish a more frequent dialogue with them, have contacted their school counselor, and plan to visit next week. Thank goodness, they are exhibiting incredible resilience through this transition."
Hang in there and keep us posted...
djv
DJM
Thank you for the advice. You are the voice of experience and reason that I cannot seek from my friends here because my attorney says that I must treat everybody here as a suspect. I mean, what if? It would be so embarrasing!
I know I will live through this and am most concerned for the children. I don't expect them to understand immediately, but do know they will understand someday. What can I do to both avoid the typical pitfalls and provide a balanced adolescence without their father here for them? Its not as though I can call Rent-a-Dad. Are there any good books about single parenting you recommend?
Don't get me wound up.."Running off with my trainer..." I only wish! I haven't gotten tender attention in over a year! I thought it was how all married couples were after a while, but oh no...it's because that low life soon to be ex-husband has been tilling another field! I forgave him once, and just cannot respect myself if I did it twice. What would the children think? I just pray she's not from around here. It's hard enough as it is and to think I could see them together after what they have done to us is just unbearable.
I suspect you have a good point on how I will be seen by the other wives. Tht's a very hurtful thought right now, knowing that some of my percieved good friends may not be so good friends once they hear why he's seen screaming from the front yard as I am tossing his things from the third floor window. I know that's not very ladylike, but I can imagine how good it will feel. Besides, my therapist reminds me that it's not good to bottle up the resentment inside. I've decided the day is January 3rd the day after the childeren go back to school. Oh, Lord give me strength.
My community is very conservative and we keep to ourselves so whatever trouble occurs behind closed doors typically stays there. We do know several single women, and you are right, they just are never invited anywhere. The times we do see them socially are always at other single peoples houses or after service. I never thought about that before.
A real concern is keeping it together through the holidays. I want to be the best example for the children. Can DJM suggest more tips to help me through? I like to believe that I am strong enough not to show bitterness towards that bastard, but inside I just want to Bobbit him with a rusty cleaver. How do you learn to keep those feelings to yourself? Thank goodness we sleep in separate beds already because he snores, so I won't be tempted to do something I might regret in the middle of the night. Oh, the end of holidays are so far away! I'll be ready for Broadway if I can last that long.
Thank you DJM and DJV. I am relieved to find your site because I dont know who I can trust to talk to here. Keep up the suggestions, they really help. -Sarah
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