more for Sarah

Sarah:

a few books we can suggest:



Divorce Book for Parents (Lansky)

What Should I Tell the Kids? (Siegler)

Custody Chaos, Personal Peace (Wittman)



Your instinct to shield children from the details and toxicity is a good one. They will come to understand; and always better if they do this in their own time. All you can do is be their rock. Think supportive and accessible. Don't lie to them; but don't tell them more than they need to know. Ask them to respect your discretion and privacy. Tell them you don't believe in speaking negatively about their father (and their father will look like a big jerk, in contrast, if he dishes on you). Although he deserves no respect, on any other front, pretend that you respect his role as their father and that you understand the permanent nature of that. They will worry about you -- so you need to stay strong around them and fall apart privately or with your girlfriends/therapist etc. Keep reassuring them that you are ok and you all will get through this.

If $$$ is not an issue, we would recommend you get a coach. This is an advocate who is less expensive than your atty or shrink, who can give you advice and guidance, through this very frightening process, either in person, or via phone.

Try to remember that your husband's infidelity has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his pathetic search for the affirmation he is not strong enough to find w/in himself. We, at DJV, believe there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage, just unhappy people.

And we concur, with your therapist, that holding it all in doesn't work. But we don't advise doing anything that would jeopardize your public relations perception, among your community or with your family. Highly dramatic scenes, (like throwing his things out the window), might feel good for a moment; but you will be creating a memory difficult for onlookers to erase. Start working out, take up a sport/hobby, vent to (safe) friends, join a support group etc. But don't let him drive you to be (or be perceived as) irrational or unstable. The calmer you are, the more you actually empower yourself. And if this doesn't seem natural, just pretend, until it becomes a forced habit. Avoid impetuous responses or reactions -- take time and be reasoned/measured in all your communications and interactions.

When your children realize someday what you put up with, over the holidays, and otherwise, you will be a true hero in their eyes. Keep focusing on the future; think big picture. Thanksgiving, and other holidays, only come once a year. Your children will only be this age once; and they will remember these occassions, for the rest of their lives, so try to keep it as normal, and natural, as possible.

You are doing better than you think.



DJV