2009 is almost over, and 2010 is looking bright!

What a whirlwind the holidays can be. If your days were anything like ours they included occasions packed with family and/or friends, alone time to tackle psychological and/or physical projects, and a few intimate gatherings with the ones we are closest to.

On Christmas day a member of one of the djv-er’s immediate family sent her an email about bringing 2009 to a close. It highlighted not letting the events and situations of 2009 get dragged into her 2010. What were the steps? Make a list starting with “In 2009 …” and you fill in the rest. Then make a list of the things you will “create” in 2010. The djv-er was all for putting 2009 away. Is there a box big enough to put all that junk into? Is there packing tape strong enough to keep it closed forever? While not one for New Year’s resolutions, the djv-er was all for a better 2010, picked up a pen and started writing.

She finished the lists, and was pretty surprised at the outcome. What was there? It went on for pages and pages, but here are a few items to give you a glimpse.

In 2009 ...

1. Business was the worst ever
2. No sales and no product to sell in 2009
3. Lost money in my professional work
4. Professional stress leaked over into personal life and at times became overwhelming
5. Launched Divorce Salon (blog, Facebook and twitter)
6. Learned how to do my own brows courtesy of YouTube
7. Brought in cash by selling things I didn’t use (which also made my house easier to manage without the excess stuff)
8. Improved cooking skills by making more things from scratch
9. Made new friends, re-connected with old buddies, and deepened existing relationships
10. Took a sailing class and got 100 on the certification test

How interesting that there are more positives than negatives. For such a tough year, there were a lot of accomplishments. Perhaps we needed these tough times to grow and nurture other areas.

Give it a try! You too will probably be pleasantly surprised at the good that happened in 2009.

What’s the #1 item this djv-er is creating for 2010? More content and traffic on Divorce Salon. There are others too: learn how to apply nail polish to nails (not skin) and take an improv class.

As we sign off for this year, please remember, 2009 is what it is, and soon it will be over. 2010 can be whatever you “create” for yourself and your life.

Happy New Year!

djv

A question about "getting back out there"

KB sent us a note that we just had to put into a front page post ....

Dear DJV,
How did you all deal with getting back out there, as in exposing your heart again? I am fortunate to have the attention of several cute guys, but have kept them at bay so to take care of myself first. Now that is under control, TLC would be fantastic, but I'm afraid to deal with all the dating games that men play and the false start of a "rebound" guy. How did you do it? KB

Hi KB!
Thanks very much for your question. Bravo to you for taking the time to focus on yourself while keeping those handsome distractions in the appropriate place. Healing yourself is a critical first step to getting back out there. You’ve done that, and please continue to do what is good and healthy for you during your dating journey.

We could go on and on with dating tips, and here’s our top pick for you:

Owning and communicating your feelings
With multiple cute men who sound eager to get to know you better, you have some incredible power. We believe that with power comes responsibility. After re-entering the dating world, one of the members of djv was nick named “duck and cover” girl by a close gal pal. This djv’er dated guys, and if they weren’t a match, or she got scared of moving to the next level, she shut down. She didn’t respond to phone calls, texts or emails. This djv’er wasn’t proud of her behavior or her nick name, and realized that she was doing exactly what she hated in the dating game (when guys dropped off the planet). Please remember that guys have feelings too (they may not show them that often, but they are there). You will have choices to make about the guys you date, and which ones get to spend more time with you. Own your feelings and communicate them. No matter how hard it may be, respect a guy by letting him know if it’s not working for you. Of course you will be thoughtful in your conversation, but do have it. BTW when the djv’er started communicating this way, her dates got better and better.

And here’s another one of our favorites:

Accepting that it is what it is, and not making things up that aren’t there
Oh the anxiety wondering if he will text, email or call, and the upset when he doesn’t. Don’t torture yourself should this happen with one of your suitors. It just is what it is; it’s not a reflection on you; it just wasn’t a match. Him not calling, emailing or texting doesn’t mean that you will not find a wonderful relationship … you will. This just wasn’t the guy, and there are others out there.

Have fun KB! You’re going to meet a lot of different guys and do a lot of different things. Enjoy it, and bring on the TLC (you deserve it).

Did that help? Please let us know how it goes!

djv

Lipstick ... It’s powerful, important and essential!

Have you ever watched that new-ish show with Julianna Margulies called “The Good Wife”? While Alicia’s situation has few similarities to the circumstances leading up to my divorce, the trailers looked intriguing. On one of the first shows Alicia told a despaired female client to get up every morning, shower and put on make up. No matter how hard it was to find the strength or how much she didn’t want to. Alicia really stressed how critical it was to get up everyday and put on makeup, even though it may seem “surface”. Those words and that interaction between two TV characters for some reason really stuck with me.


While makeup/lipstick to the outside world may seem trivial, unimportant and like another attempt by the cosmetic industry to entice women to buy more, applying color to your face really helps improve your mood. Just the other day I was meeting a pal for a casual lunch. Some professional set backs and the bathroom scale registering at a year high really socked my normally high energy level. I knew that it would be good to get out, spend some time in a different part of town and be with a pal, but I just didn’t have the energy to put on the whole “armor”. With Alicia’s words running through my head, I picked the brightest, red-est tube from my collection. And you know, it worked. It perked me right up. Looking in the mirror after that easy 2 second application, my energy went up. With a single swipe of red tint, my attitude changed, and the afternoon was a total delight.


About.com has oodles of articles about color therapy, and there are some documented positive holistic effects to wearing red lipstick. It really is good for you. The holistic healing pros say we should wear red when our energy is low and we need a boost. Red lipstick isn’t only for Cleopatra, prostitutes and the girls in Vogue; it’s for all of us. So reach for that L’Oreal, Maybelline, Cover Girl or Lancome. This isn’t about vanity; it’s about your sanity, and feeling the best that you can no matter what you are facing.


Here’s to the true and real power of lipstick! What lipstick stories are you willing to share?


djv

more for Sarah

Sarah:

a few books we can suggest:



Divorce Book for Parents (Lansky)

What Should I Tell the Kids? (Siegler)

Custody Chaos, Personal Peace (Wittman)



Your instinct to shield children from the details and toxicity is a good one. They will come to understand; and always better if they do this in their own time. All you can do is be their rock. Think supportive and accessible. Don't lie to them; but don't tell them more than they need to know. Ask them to respect your discretion and privacy. Tell them you don't believe in speaking negatively about their father (and their father will look like a big jerk, in contrast, if he dishes on you). Although he deserves no respect, on any other front, pretend that you respect his role as their father and that you understand the permanent nature of that. They will worry about you -- so you need to stay strong around them and fall apart privately or with your girlfriends/therapist etc. Keep reassuring them that you are ok and you all will get through this.

If $$$ is not an issue, we would recommend you get a coach. This is an advocate who is less expensive than your atty or shrink, who can give you advice and guidance, through this very frightening process, either in person, or via phone.

Try to remember that your husband's infidelity has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his pathetic search for the affirmation he is not strong enough to find w/in himself. We, at DJV, believe there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage, just unhappy people.

And we concur, with your therapist, that holding it all in doesn't work. But we don't advise doing anything that would jeopardize your public relations perception, among your community or with your family. Highly dramatic scenes, (like throwing his things out the window), might feel good for a moment; but you will be creating a memory difficult for onlookers to erase. Start working out, take up a sport/hobby, vent to (safe) friends, join a support group etc. But don't let him drive you to be (or be perceived as) irrational or unstable. The calmer you are, the more you actually empower yourself. And if this doesn't seem natural, just pretend, until it becomes a forced habit. Avoid impetuous responses or reactions -- take time and be reasoned/measured in all your communications and interactions.

When your children realize someday what you put up with, over the holidays, and otherwise, you will be a true hero in their eyes. Keep focusing on the future; think big picture. Thanksgiving, and other holidays, only come once a year. Your children will only be this age once; and they will remember these occassions, for the rest of their lives, so try to keep it as normal, and natural, as possible.

You are doing better than you think.



DJV

Single on Thanksgiving ... a bunch of options

Single Parent Gossip has a great post: Surviving Thanksgiving Alone focusing on doing and having what you like for this holiday.

Divorce Salon has a couple more ideas, and they aren't just for those going through the big D ... All you singles out there, take a look.

Be an adopted “orphan”
On multiple occasions, other families have adopted me for their celebration, and they have been wonderful. You’re surrounded by people and experience new traditions (perhaps ones you choose to adopt in your “next” life). Being with other people can be so helpful and break you out of your all encompassing tunnel of divorce or new singledom. Being an adopted “orphan” is an amazing testament to you. Holidays are an extremely personal time, and your adopted family is showing you their love by welcoming you into their home and family for a holiday feast. Don’t view it as a pity invitation. You are divorced (or in the process), and you can be surrounded by people who care about you and love you. Isn’t that the most important thing?

Go to a restaurant (alone, with a pal or group)
I’ve gone out for many of my adult Thanksgiving meals. No prep, no cleanup, and the option of being a renegade (choosing beef or fish). But djv, what about the leftovers? Don’t deny yourself. Get a cooked turkey breast and whatever else you like. Pumpkin pie isn’t my fave, so bring on the ice cream and hot fudge.

One year I was celebrating Thanksgiving with a friend. My pal claimed to be a good cook, but somehow thought defrosting the turkey in a sink of warm water for 2 days was a good idea. One whiff of the bird, and we needed a plan B. We found camaraderie at the counter of a local deli/diner. “Happy Thanksgiving” greetings to the 70+ year old patrons on either side, and the conversation started to flow. Oh the stories and what a history lesson.

Pot luck with friends
The definition of “family” is expanding. My family lives all over the country which makes seeing them regularly a challenge. I see my doorman more often than my blood relatives, and many friends are more like family. So have a “The Big Chill” Thanksgiving. Some college pals used to host a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, and we joked about how it trumped the actual day.

If you are celebrating with your family, adopt an “orphan”
“Orphans” can be anyone without plans for the holiday (either by circumstances or choice). After spending days/hours together, you and your family will embrace having someone new in the mix. Trust me. It changes the dynamic, and the attention shifts. For my first Thanksgiving separated from my now ex, a gal pal celebrated with my family. I was anxious about all of the questions my family would inevitably ask about how I was doing. Her presence successfully deflected all of the attention from me, my separated life and impending divorce. The conversation focused on current events, interesting anecdotes and our “orphan”. What a relief for me, and she had a great time.

Holidays can be hard. Hard for all of us actually, regardless of our relationship status. Please remember …. Thanksgiving is only 24 hours. Thanksgiving is just another day, like any other Thursday. There are millions of people in the world who don’t celebrate the fourth Thursday in November.

Make it special for yourself.

djv

HOW TO GET STARTED

We had a great question sent to us by a follower. We answered the question in the comment section of the blog but wanted all our readers to see the answers.

The question was "can the DS suggest a list of things I should be thinking about to prepare [for imminent divorce proceedings]" -

Answer: OK Anonymous - here is an initial stab at your question - first, please know that we are here to help and we can offer suggestions and tidbits we learned while going through this ourselves but every person's situation is different. While we may have great insight we are not professionals. That said, do everything you can to take care of yourself.

1. Get a lawyer - friends can recommend or call your regular lawyer to get a referral.

2. Get a therapist - (remember these are two different people although they may cost the same!). Your lawyer needs to know everything that is going on but save the real emotion for the therapist.

3. Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank/investment statements, asset statements, any appraisals you may have ever had done).

4. Put these copies and any valuables you have into a safe deposit box. Get them out of temptation's way.

5. Protect your identity - change the locks on the apt or house if necessary, change passwords on all computer accounts.

6. If there are children involved you need to strategize a moving out schedule with your soon-to-be ex. Again, every situation is different but kids seem to know everything before it even happens. That's just how they are so if this has been brewing for a while chances are they have already figured it out. The more organized you are the better they'll be. Children like routine so present them with a time table for when dad is moving out etc.

7. Communication is key - you and he must keep the lines open. Thank goodness for e-mail and blackberry messenger - this is a great way to "speak" without having to pick up the phone every time you need an answer. As non-friendly as your situation may be you must be as close to being on the same page as possible with regard to the children.

We have tons to say on this topic - this is just the tip of the iceberg so please tune in again for more details on first steps.

Thank you for your questions!!

djv

Married to him/her again? Divorce "FlashBackward"

On Saturday it happened in California. One more step to ban divorce with a march in Sacramento.

How can you not laugh? The state with “irreconcilable differences” as a legal reason for divorce hosts a demonstration to ban divorce. How two faced. California enacted America’s first no-fault divorce law, and in order to be the first again, a ballot is in the works to make divorce illegal. Protecting marriage? More like a covert action by the pharmaceutical companies to increase sales of Valium, Xanax etc ….

As if the possible illegality of divorce isn’t enough, some proponents support making the divorce ban retroactive. As in “Congratulations! You are married to him/her ... again”.

It's completely and totally unimaginable for the me of today to re-join the marriage of my past. It couldn’t work. Today’s me would not even be attracted to that old life.

But let’s play with this. Suppose there was some perverse reversal of the TV show "FlashForward" where instead of everyone getting a glimpse of their own future they got to look at themselves in the past. Where would you be in a FlashBackward vs. where you are today?

What would most likely be in my FlashBackward?

• Still running and gasping for air on the Keeping up with the Jones’ treadmill
• Stuffing my needs, wants and dreams into a tiny locked box in order to support his
• At least 10 additional pounds
• Having panic filled mornings plagued with “how are the bills for his must have watch, car, wine etc … going to get paid?”
• Daily “Are you there vodka?” shout outs

It’s interesting that writing this is occurring around Thanksgiving. Thank you universe for my FlashBackward not happening. How bizarre that I am grateful for my divorce? Great results came out of my most difficult circumstances: freedom, discipline, clarity, friendship, love, calm, power, peace, understanding, happiness, respect …. The list of positives could go on and on.

Your divorce may seem like a dark and never ending tunnel, but there is a light at the end, and it's bright!

So tell us … How would your FlashBackward look in contrast to today?

djv
djv@divorcesalon.com