The Museum of Broken Relationships. What would you donate?

Did anyone else see the article "A Poignant Trail of Broken Hearts, All on Display?".

It sure grabbed this djv-er's attention. Why? Well blogging about what comes up with divorce puts you on a heightened alert to these things. So that's the obvious one. Not so obvious may be my absolute dedication to removing items from my life that have bad relationship mojo (or at minimum storing them far out of site). For me, extraction of all ended relationship items that bring about a negative response (or just not liking them) is the way to go.

After reading the article this djv-er started thinking about what she could donate that would make an interesting "exhibit". A quick tour of the house, 2 wedding presents (a pitcher and wine opener that both get frequent unemotional use) were found as well as some necklace beads that my ex-husband gave me for Christmas. No emotions attached there - perhaps because they are the small part of a larger collection. Don't feel the need to part with these, and they don't really seem "exhibit" worthy.

Intrigued by the commentary from their website:
"The Museum of Broken Relationships is an art concept which proceeds from the assumption that objects possess integrated fields - ‘holograms’ of memories and emotions ... The Museum offers every individual the chance to overcome the emotional collapse through creation - by contributing to the Museum's collection"
My quest to find something continued. There must be one item at least.

A little more time pondering, and indeed an item was found. Knitting needles. NO there is no evidence of them being used to inflict harm, and interestingly enough they are not associated with my ex husband. During college a girlfriend started knitting. The idea of making something was intriguing and she assured me that it wasn't "that hard". So off we went to the knitting store to pick up the supplies to create a Nordic sweater. After a few lessons the body and arms of a sweater took shape. Who would the "lucky" recipient be? My boyfriend at the time. What a wonderfully thoughtful Christmas present, right? Too bad he did one of those dropped off the face of the planet things before Christmas. The sweater ended up going to my aunt (well not really my aunt, but you get the idea) to get it out of my living space. To this day it's unclear what ultimately happened to the sweater, and this is the first time that the thought has come up. This djv-er did make 3/4 of another sweater, but hasn't picked up the needles since.

So it's time for the knitting needles to go. The description/story could be something like:
The knitting needles used to make my first sweater. It was intended as a gift, but he was gone before it was wrapped.

It still doesn't hold a candle to the leg prosthesis donated by a war veteran who fell in love with his physiotherapist.

Would you donate? What would it be? And what about the description?

Let us know. We love hearing from you!

djv

It's Valentine's Day (a/k/a VD) 2010

To this member of djv this is the worst of the "holidays". A little too cheesy and too forced for my taste. Over the years it hasn't mattered what my relationship status is when February 14th rolls around, Valentine's Day isn't especially exciting. Would someone help me understand the need to assign a specific day around the US when we show our love for someone. Isn't this something that people are doing more than once per year? Please don't get me wrong. Romance and love are fantastic. However, do we really need to be assaulted by Hallmark, See's and FTD about how to show that special someone that we really care?

For 2010 this djv-er is going to try looking at Valentine's Day from a different perspective (or at least write and speak about it differently). So here goes...

If you read the post from New Year's Eve (2009 is almost over, and 2010 is looking bright!", you remember that one thing this djv-er wanted to accomplish in 2010 was to take an improv class. Well .... I did it. Level 0 (a/k/a The Joy of Improv) for four weeks at The PIT (Peoples Improv Theatre). What an amazing experience with a wonderful group of fascinating and talented folks.

One of the "games" you play in improv class is called "Yes! And". Essentially a person comes out, makes a statement, and their partner has to "yes" it (enthusiastically accept the statement/take it on so to speak), and add something positive to take it up a notch.

While thinking about how to write about VD, it dawned on me ... Let's "Yes! And" it.

You're divorced/single on Valentine's Day. "Yes! And" ....

1. Sticking to my diet is virtually guaranteed without the temptation of milk chocolate stuffed with caramel


2. There's time for the next quest in World of Warcraft


3. My hair will love a time out from gel mousse and the blow dryer


4. What a great time to start that novel I have wanted to read


5. Performance anxiety? What performance anxiety?


6. My friends will come over to help me install shelving (courtesy of Jeff from improv class)

Give it a try! What would your "Yes! And" be for I'm divorced/single on Valentine's Day? Let us know. We'd love to hear from you!

djv

Super Mom

We divorced moms are saddled with many different roles as are married moms. We wear many hats - cook, cleaner, homework helper, advice giver, wardrobe assistant - the list goes on and on. I have thought many times about my married friends whose husbands travel almost weekly and how difficult it must for those moms - I have often thought they might as well be divorced for the amount of things they are forced to do without dad around and how frustrating it is. But their husbands do eventually come home - whether he helps out with the kids or not - he is still another adult in the room.

Divorced moms however have to continue being all the things they are for their children (and for themselves - you can't forget yourself!!) and must also deal with the outside world - a duality which involves not saying no to any invitation (lest Mr. Right be there - you never know!) and yet continuing to be there for the children. We divorced moms may feel that it is important to put our best faces forward so as to squash any kind of gossip but let me tell you -

the life of a divorced mom is exhausting! Especially if you work. Getting the kids out of the house to school is hurdle #1 everyday. It's relentless. Work is a sort of safe haven for some of us. It's a distraction - and sometimes it's easier than being a mom! Coming home each afternoon and helping with homework, putting on that positive face - encouraging the children that no task is insurmountable - it's just plain exhausting.

Some divorced moms get a great deal of help from their exs with regard to the children and they are grateful for that! I just spoke to a few who agree that it is amazing when dad helps out. With most divorces it is customary for the children to spend every other weekend with the other parent. We usually look forward to our weekend's off but come Friday night I am thrust into quiet and solitude which usually depress me. I wonder what the kids are doing and I miss them. As portrayed in the recent movie "It's Complicated" (which I recommend everyone see!) the quiet of the house once the children are gone is deafening. but these weekends are also restorative and enable us to assume the role of uber mom once again.

We would love to hear your stories, complaints, comments etc so please chime in!

Thanks

DJV

Personal Strength From Doing Something Extreme

Like stunt bi-plane flying

Why did this djv-er get involved in such a sanity questioning activity? A dear gal pal was turning the big 40, and wanted to do something exciting. We've gone swimming with whales, saw a Cirque du Soleil-ish show with horses and got pretty dang close to a polar bear. Shark diving was out (clearing the mask was far too terrifying to enjoy the experience) and race car driving didn't match our frugalista ways. So with land and sea out, we took to the skies.

Side note to cover my rump. This blogger did not receive a free flight for this posting. SkyThrills was an amazing experience, and a special thanks to Mike (call sign "Rocket").

After a briefing, and getting dressed in Top Gun gear, up you go. You do actually fly the plane. It's like a driver's ed car since Rocket is behind you with another set of controls.

Ready for rolls? Level the wings, push the stick all the way right, look over the wing so you don't puke, and level it back out. For loops, Rocket tells you to pick up speed by pointing the nose down. Point the plane towards the ground going 200 mph. It questions everything you know about safety; it's a completely unreasonable (and insane) act, it's toying with the natural and unquestionable law of gravity. But to this djv-er those were the actions that produced the most significant outcome.

Some interesting things started to happen the next day. All of my previous fears and annoyances seem to go away. There was a new/renewed strength and confidence that continues today.

Morning coffee with a CEO the following week was a joy. Meeting people with big titles for the first time can scare the living you know what out of me. Their title, their success and smarts cause me to question how I will keep up with them in the conversation and blah, blah, blah. Pushing through the fear always works, but there was no need to push through this time because the fear wasn’t there. Perhaps the unconscious conversation with myself was going like this: “you have to be kidding me! You are nervous about meeting with this person after you survived (and enjoyed) flying inverted and hurling yourself towards land at 200 mph? After that, you have nothing to be afraid of.”

This djv-er’s message to you is to do something extreme, an action that questions your sense of what is reasonable. Not just outside your comfort zone, but a significant stretch. Everyone surviving divorce gets in a rut. No matter where you are in the divorce process (and even after the decree) we all get stuck. Sure you will eventually push yourself out of it, but why not take a bold step? Go for something extreme that questions the reasonable, and could jolt your system not only out of the rut, but into a stronger place.

It's made a huge difference for this djv’er, and perhaps it would for you too.

Until next time,

djv

Email passwords are not community property!

Every since the New York Times ran “Breaking Up In a Digital Fishbowl” this member of djv has been on a rant. It makes me absolutely crazy wondering how in the world anyone would think that sharing the password to a personal email account would be a good idea. This is not a sign of intimacy nor is it the ultimate indicator of trust. Sharing email passwords is just plain stupid.

Microsoft, Apple, McAfee and thousands of other companies specialize in computer/network security, and make millions of dollars per year in revenue. These organizations focus on keeping data protected from outside viewing. Some businesses terminate employees for sharing passwords, and corporate system administrators encourage teammates to change their passwords after work has been done on their computer. With the electronic age, globalization of work, and the need to be available 24 7, the line between our business and personal lives is extremely fuzzy. Then why, when it comes to personal email accounts, do people think that the same security measures applied to their work email don’t apply to their personal email?

There’s an attack on Google, we are shocked and scared. We worry about protecting our online identity, but don’t take the most basic steps at home. What’s that about?

This member of djv took a survey and asked some of her guy pals if they had the password to their wives’ or girlfriend’s email. Unanimously they said “no”.

There are so many reasons to have your own private email. This is not about trying to hide something. It’s about having your own identity. Having your own private email supports the relationship. Why? Because, at least to me, a strong relationship consists of two individuals who share beliefs and interests and give of themselves while also pursing their own activities as individuals. Email is a dominant method of communication today, so how could you plan a thoughtful surprise party or present for your honey when they have access to your email? Perhaps you want to get a friend’s impression on your reaction to a situation, or ask for some ideas on how to handle something. We all need to vent to get our emotions in check. It’s far better for your relationship if your sweetheart sees you after your venting period when you can talk about your emotions in a non defensive manner. In this kind of situation, access to your email account can automatically lead to saying stuff you regret later.

There are some caveats. If you are married and have joint accounts, yes you are both entitled to the passwords. This member of djv is a huge advocate for joint as well as individual bank accounts and credit cards, but that’s for another post.

There’s a ton more to go into on this topic. In the meantime we'd love to hear your thoughts.

djv

2009 is almost over, and 2010 is looking bright!

What a whirlwind the holidays can be. If your days were anything like ours they included occasions packed with family and/or friends, alone time to tackle psychological and/or physical projects, and a few intimate gatherings with the ones we are closest to.

On Christmas day a member of one of the djv-er’s immediate family sent her an email about bringing 2009 to a close. It highlighted not letting the events and situations of 2009 get dragged into her 2010. What were the steps? Make a list starting with “In 2009 …” and you fill in the rest. Then make a list of the things you will “create” in 2010. The djv-er was all for putting 2009 away. Is there a box big enough to put all that junk into? Is there packing tape strong enough to keep it closed forever? While not one for New Year’s resolutions, the djv-er was all for a better 2010, picked up a pen and started writing.

She finished the lists, and was pretty surprised at the outcome. What was there? It went on for pages and pages, but here are a few items to give you a glimpse.

In 2009 ...

1. Business was the worst ever
2. No sales and no product to sell in 2009
3. Lost money in my professional work
4. Professional stress leaked over into personal life and at times became overwhelming
5. Launched Divorce Salon (blog, Facebook and twitter)
6. Learned how to do my own brows courtesy of YouTube
7. Brought in cash by selling things I didn’t use (which also made my house easier to manage without the excess stuff)
8. Improved cooking skills by making more things from scratch
9. Made new friends, re-connected with old buddies, and deepened existing relationships
10. Took a sailing class and got 100 on the certification test

How interesting that there are more positives than negatives. For such a tough year, there were a lot of accomplishments. Perhaps we needed these tough times to grow and nurture other areas.

Give it a try! You too will probably be pleasantly surprised at the good that happened in 2009.

What’s the #1 item this djv-er is creating for 2010? More content and traffic on Divorce Salon. There are others too: learn how to apply nail polish to nails (not skin) and take an improv class.

As we sign off for this year, please remember, 2009 is what it is, and soon it will be over. 2010 can be whatever you “create” for yourself and your life.

Happy New Year!

djv

A question about "getting back out there"

KB sent us a note that we just had to put into a front page post ....

Dear DJV,
How did you all deal with getting back out there, as in exposing your heart again? I am fortunate to have the attention of several cute guys, but have kept them at bay so to take care of myself first. Now that is under control, TLC would be fantastic, but I'm afraid to deal with all the dating games that men play and the false start of a "rebound" guy. How did you do it? KB

Hi KB!
Thanks very much for your question. Bravo to you for taking the time to focus on yourself while keeping those handsome distractions in the appropriate place. Healing yourself is a critical first step to getting back out there. You’ve done that, and please continue to do what is good and healthy for you during your dating journey.

We could go on and on with dating tips, and here’s our top pick for you:

Owning and communicating your feelings
With multiple cute men who sound eager to get to know you better, you have some incredible power. We believe that with power comes responsibility. After re-entering the dating world, one of the members of djv was nick named “duck and cover” girl by a close gal pal. This djv’er dated guys, and if they weren’t a match, or she got scared of moving to the next level, she shut down. She didn’t respond to phone calls, texts or emails. This djv’er wasn’t proud of her behavior or her nick name, and realized that she was doing exactly what she hated in the dating game (when guys dropped off the planet). Please remember that guys have feelings too (they may not show them that often, but they are there). You will have choices to make about the guys you date, and which ones get to spend more time with you. Own your feelings and communicate them. No matter how hard it may be, respect a guy by letting him know if it’s not working for you. Of course you will be thoughtful in your conversation, but do have it. BTW when the djv’er started communicating this way, her dates got better and better.

And here’s another one of our favorites:

Accepting that it is what it is, and not making things up that aren’t there
Oh the anxiety wondering if he will text, email or call, and the upset when he doesn’t. Don’t torture yourself should this happen with one of your suitors. It just is what it is; it’s not a reflection on you; it just wasn’t a match. Him not calling, emailing or texting doesn’t mean that you will not find a wonderful relationship … you will. This just wasn’t the guy, and there are others out there.

Have fun KB! You’re going to meet a lot of different guys and do a lot of different things. Enjoy it, and bring on the TLC (you deserve it).

Did that help? Please let us know how it goes!

djv

Lipstick ... It’s powerful, important and essential!

Have you ever watched that new-ish show with Julianna Margulies called “The Good Wife”? While Alicia’s situation has few similarities to the circumstances leading up to my divorce, the trailers looked intriguing. On one of the first shows Alicia told a despaired female client to get up every morning, shower and put on make up. No matter how hard it was to find the strength or how much she didn’t want to. Alicia really stressed how critical it was to get up everyday and put on makeup, even though it may seem “surface”. Those words and that interaction between two TV characters for some reason really stuck with me.


While makeup/lipstick to the outside world may seem trivial, unimportant and like another attempt by the cosmetic industry to entice women to buy more, applying color to your face really helps improve your mood. Just the other day I was meeting a pal for a casual lunch. Some professional set backs and the bathroom scale registering at a year high really socked my normally high energy level. I knew that it would be good to get out, spend some time in a different part of town and be with a pal, but I just didn’t have the energy to put on the whole “armor”. With Alicia’s words running through my head, I picked the brightest, red-est tube from my collection. And you know, it worked. It perked me right up. Looking in the mirror after that easy 2 second application, my energy went up. With a single swipe of red tint, my attitude changed, and the afternoon was a total delight.


About.com has oodles of articles about color therapy, and there are some documented positive holistic effects to wearing red lipstick. It really is good for you. The holistic healing pros say we should wear red when our energy is low and we need a boost. Red lipstick isn’t only for Cleopatra, prostitutes and the girls in Vogue; it’s for all of us. So reach for that L’Oreal, Maybelline, Cover Girl or Lancome. This isn’t about vanity; it’s about your sanity, and feeling the best that you can no matter what you are facing.


Here’s to the true and real power of lipstick! What lipstick stories are you willing to share?


djv

more for Sarah

Sarah:

a few books we can suggest:



Divorce Book for Parents (Lansky)

What Should I Tell the Kids? (Siegler)

Custody Chaos, Personal Peace (Wittman)



Your instinct to shield children from the details and toxicity is a good one. They will come to understand; and always better if they do this in their own time. All you can do is be their rock. Think supportive and accessible. Don't lie to them; but don't tell them more than they need to know. Ask them to respect your discretion and privacy. Tell them you don't believe in speaking negatively about their father (and their father will look like a big jerk, in contrast, if he dishes on you). Although he deserves no respect, on any other front, pretend that you respect his role as their father and that you understand the permanent nature of that. They will worry about you -- so you need to stay strong around them and fall apart privately or with your girlfriends/therapist etc. Keep reassuring them that you are ok and you all will get through this.

If $$$ is not an issue, we would recommend you get a coach. This is an advocate who is less expensive than your atty or shrink, who can give you advice and guidance, through this very frightening process, either in person, or via phone.

Try to remember that your husband's infidelity has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his pathetic search for the affirmation he is not strong enough to find w/in himself. We, at DJV, believe there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage, just unhappy people.

And we concur, with your therapist, that holding it all in doesn't work. But we don't advise doing anything that would jeopardize your public relations perception, among your community or with your family. Highly dramatic scenes, (like throwing his things out the window), might feel good for a moment; but you will be creating a memory difficult for onlookers to erase. Start working out, take up a sport/hobby, vent to (safe) friends, join a support group etc. But don't let him drive you to be (or be perceived as) irrational or unstable. The calmer you are, the more you actually empower yourself. And if this doesn't seem natural, just pretend, until it becomes a forced habit. Avoid impetuous responses or reactions -- take time and be reasoned/measured in all your communications and interactions.

When your children realize someday what you put up with, over the holidays, and otherwise, you will be a true hero in their eyes. Keep focusing on the future; think big picture. Thanksgiving, and other holidays, only come once a year. Your children will only be this age once; and they will remember these occassions, for the rest of their lives, so try to keep it as normal, and natural, as possible.

You are doing better than you think.



DJV

Single on Thanksgiving ... a bunch of options

Single Parent Gossip has a great post: Surviving Thanksgiving Alone focusing on doing and having what you like for this holiday.

Divorce Salon has a couple more ideas, and they aren't just for those going through the big D ... All you singles out there, take a look.

Be an adopted “orphan”
On multiple occasions, other families have adopted me for their celebration, and they have been wonderful. You’re surrounded by people and experience new traditions (perhaps ones you choose to adopt in your “next” life). Being with other people can be so helpful and break you out of your all encompassing tunnel of divorce or new singledom. Being an adopted “orphan” is an amazing testament to you. Holidays are an extremely personal time, and your adopted family is showing you their love by welcoming you into their home and family for a holiday feast. Don’t view it as a pity invitation. You are divorced (or in the process), and you can be surrounded by people who care about you and love you. Isn’t that the most important thing?

Go to a restaurant (alone, with a pal or group)
I’ve gone out for many of my adult Thanksgiving meals. No prep, no cleanup, and the option of being a renegade (choosing beef or fish). But djv, what about the leftovers? Don’t deny yourself. Get a cooked turkey breast and whatever else you like. Pumpkin pie isn’t my fave, so bring on the ice cream and hot fudge.

One year I was celebrating Thanksgiving with a friend. My pal claimed to be a good cook, but somehow thought defrosting the turkey in a sink of warm water for 2 days was a good idea. One whiff of the bird, and we needed a plan B. We found camaraderie at the counter of a local deli/diner. “Happy Thanksgiving” greetings to the 70+ year old patrons on either side, and the conversation started to flow. Oh the stories and what a history lesson.

Pot luck with friends
The definition of “family” is expanding. My family lives all over the country which makes seeing them regularly a challenge. I see my doorman more often than my blood relatives, and many friends are more like family. So have a “The Big Chill” Thanksgiving. Some college pals used to host a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, and we joked about how it trumped the actual day.

If you are celebrating with your family, adopt an “orphan”
“Orphans” can be anyone without plans for the holiday (either by circumstances or choice). After spending days/hours together, you and your family will embrace having someone new in the mix. Trust me. It changes the dynamic, and the attention shifts. For my first Thanksgiving separated from my now ex, a gal pal celebrated with my family. I was anxious about all of the questions my family would inevitably ask about how I was doing. Her presence successfully deflected all of the attention from me, my separated life and impending divorce. The conversation focused on current events, interesting anecdotes and our “orphan”. What a relief for me, and she had a great time.

Holidays can be hard. Hard for all of us actually, regardless of our relationship status. Please remember …. Thanksgiving is only 24 hours. Thanksgiving is just another day, like any other Thursday. There are millions of people in the world who don’t celebrate the fourth Thursday in November.

Make it special for yourself.

djv

HOW TO GET STARTED

We had a great question sent to us by a follower. We answered the question in the comment section of the blog but wanted all our readers to see the answers.

The question was "can the DS suggest a list of things I should be thinking about to prepare [for imminent divorce proceedings]" -

Answer: OK Anonymous - here is an initial stab at your question - first, please know that we are here to help and we can offer suggestions and tidbits we learned while going through this ourselves but every person's situation is different. While we may have great insight we are not professionals. That said, do everything you can to take care of yourself.

1. Get a lawyer - friends can recommend or call your regular lawyer to get a referral.

2. Get a therapist - (remember these are two different people although they may cost the same!). Your lawyer needs to know everything that is going on but save the real emotion for the therapist.

3. Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank/investment statements, asset statements, any appraisals you may have ever had done).

4. Put these copies and any valuables you have into a safe deposit box. Get them out of temptation's way.

5. Protect your identity - change the locks on the apt or house if necessary, change passwords on all computer accounts.

6. If there are children involved you need to strategize a moving out schedule with your soon-to-be ex. Again, every situation is different but kids seem to know everything before it even happens. That's just how they are so if this has been brewing for a while chances are they have already figured it out. The more organized you are the better they'll be. Children like routine so present them with a time table for when dad is moving out etc.

7. Communication is key - you and he must keep the lines open. Thank goodness for e-mail and blackberry messenger - this is a great way to "speak" without having to pick up the phone every time you need an answer. As non-friendly as your situation may be you must be as close to being on the same page as possible with regard to the children.

We have tons to say on this topic - this is just the tip of the iceberg so please tune in again for more details on first steps.

Thank you for your questions!!

djv

Married to him/her again? Divorce "FlashBackward"

On Saturday it happened in California. One more step to ban divorce with a march in Sacramento.

How can you not laugh? The state with “irreconcilable differences” as a legal reason for divorce hosts a demonstration to ban divorce. How two faced. California enacted America’s first no-fault divorce law, and in order to be the first again, a ballot is in the works to make divorce illegal. Protecting marriage? More like a covert action by the pharmaceutical companies to increase sales of Valium, Xanax etc ….

As if the possible illegality of divorce isn’t enough, some proponents support making the divorce ban retroactive. As in “Congratulations! You are married to him/her ... again”.

It's completely and totally unimaginable for the me of today to re-join the marriage of my past. It couldn’t work. Today’s me would not even be attracted to that old life.

But let’s play with this. Suppose there was some perverse reversal of the TV show "FlashForward" where instead of everyone getting a glimpse of their own future they got to look at themselves in the past. Where would you be in a FlashBackward vs. where you are today?

What would most likely be in my FlashBackward?

• Still running and gasping for air on the Keeping up with the Jones’ treadmill
• Stuffing my needs, wants and dreams into a tiny locked box in order to support his
• At least 10 additional pounds
• Having panic filled mornings plagued with “how are the bills for his must have watch, car, wine etc … going to get paid?”
• Daily “Are you there vodka?” shout outs

It’s interesting that writing this is occurring around Thanksgiving. Thank you universe for my FlashBackward not happening. How bizarre that I am grateful for my divorce? Great results came out of my most difficult circumstances: freedom, discipline, clarity, friendship, love, calm, power, peace, understanding, happiness, respect …. The list of positives could go on and on.

Your divorce may seem like a dark and never ending tunnel, but there is a light at the end, and it's bright!

So tell us … How would your FlashBackward look in contrast to today?

djv
djv@divorcesalon.com

Why did I Google my ex?

What compels me to type his name in the search bar and click on the magnifying glass?

This happens about once a year, usually around our wedding anniversary (about 1 month before the holiday season starts).

While hitting the letters to spell his name, the little voice in my head said "why are you doing this & what are you looking for?" The little voice's meek-ish response is "oh ... I just wonder what he's up to?". My brain tells me that just ain't so.

My divorce has been final for over 7 years. With my ex living thousands of miles away, some would consider me "fortunate". As for our marital friends, they fell into the inevitable "his" or "hers" bucket.

Is this internet search really only idle curiosity? Or was it something else? My casual nosiness was satisfied in less than 30 minutes, but the time could have been used to paint my nails, balance my checkbook, have a glass of wine, watch an episode of any one of The Real Housewives, catch up with a friend (in other words half an hour of something far more personally fulfilling). So why this? Why now?

There wasn't anything specific I was hoping or dreading finding. What popped up? Links to profiles on those business contact sites (LinkedIn, Jigsaw, etc ....), a recent announcement of a new position in the same industry, and a picture from a work event. Absent were the cringes, deep breaths, and expletives one would expect with thoughts that the photo could be with the "new one".

So what propelled me to do this? Let me ask you ... Are you competitive with your ex? Just the tiniest bit? Come on! The little short lived boost that comes with "I have a better life than her/him" feels good. For less than 30 minutes, I took solace knowing his career had not leapfrogged mine. Plus, our wedding announcement was the 4th item on the Google search of him and the 6th item on mine .... So my current life is far more fantastic and internet news worthy than his. That's a joke!!! Laugh please!!!!

Am still wondering what caused me to ask a browser what my ex is up to. From time to time, perhaps we should re-visit our past to be grateful for what we have in the present, and pat ourselves on the back for the progress we've made in the face of all of the challenges.

For men and women asking how long it takes to get over their marriage/divorce, take a look at me. Seven years out, and it hasn't totally gone away. Honestly, marriage/divorce is too significant to disappear. The emotional effort does become smaller and less charged. In my case, coming up just once per year for less than 30 minutes.

How often, and how long, do you allow yourself to think about your ex?

djv

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

We started this venture not that long ago and we are thrilled to have so many fans and followers. Thank you!

Yes it's our job to write about topics that might interest you but we want to hear from our readers and fans - what subjects do you want us to focus on? We have been through practically everything so we want to field some of your questions. Not all of the topics we decide to write about may interest you or pertain to your situation. Please write in with YOUR questions and we will try our best to respond. We have written about commitment phobias, what to do with your wedding band and engagement ring, how to spread the word of your divorce and several other topics. We are standing by with our advice on anything divorce-related. How to find a lawyer, what questions to ask, what to be prepared for, how to gain your independence after marriage, how to deal if your ex is dating and you are not.

Please respond to us with your questions!

We are here for you!

djv

Commitment Phobia Battle cont ….

Here’s part 2 of the anonymous comment we just had to make a post:

My divorce instilled a deep feeling of betrayal and mistrust of the opposite sex such that I don’t know if I can ever trust one of THEM again, certainly enough to marry them. I've spent a king’s ransom with my shrink to look inward for strength and understanding. My current honey makes me feel great, but still one of THEM! What do I do?

THEM? You can’t really be condensing all of us (men or women) into a single category of THEM. That’s just so incredibly surface, and you are only looking at the outer rough skin of the onion (it’s softer and smoother underneath, with parts you would actually … dare we say it …. eat).

Stereotypes applied to “all” women and “all” men are over exaggerations. Yeah we’ve all said them. “Men … Can’t live with em; can’t shoot em.” But let’s get real. The only commonalities between all members of each gender are physical. Men have penises and women have breasts … well men have breasts too, but you get the idea.

Stereotyping may provide us with immediate short term comfort; however, are we applying the generality to shut down an opportunity because it’s easier? Are we so petrified of getting hurt again that we opt out? There’s nothing wrong with fear; it’s what we do in the face of it that counts.

Alas it is true that your “current honey” is one of THEM. It can’t be avoided. No matter if you are a man or a woman, heterosexual or homosexual, you will indeed be getting together with one of THEM.

Anonymous,
It sounds like you are in pleasant shock that you could feel great in a relationship again, proving to us all that there is light at the end of the divorce tunnel.

By the way, if your “current honey” is divorced, you are one of THEM too.

djv

Facebooking divorce ... Think again before clicking share

Tweeting Divorce in the Digital Age: The Perils of Text Messaging today got us to thinking about Anonymous' comment on "Sharing the Not-So-Good News".

How some men and women are using social media to communicate about their divorce is horrifying. What are they thinking? Yes, they are hurt and mad. But the immediate gratification and perceived fulfillment of "oh I'm going to get them" is not the answer, and can be fraught with peril. Step back from the keyboard! Wall posts and photos can become a gold mine to opposing counsel (even the deleted ones can be found ... see "Facebook and Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry").

Changing your relationship status to "It's Complicated"? If your divorce is definite, why not make the update and enable your friends to send (and you to receive) some supportive messages. Take deeper communications off line, remembering Anonymous' request and words: "plueeze spare us non-inner circle acquaintances the gory details! It is nobody elses business. This is a private matter that requires manners of discretion".

Perhaps we are old fashioned, but what ever happened to writing in a journal, talking on the phone or visiting with someone in person?

Remember Hill Street Blues? DVJ borrowing the words of Sgt.Phil Esterhaus "Hey... Let's be careful out there".

Commitment Phobia Battle

We just had to make this anonymous comment a post:

"What are the musings of the DS ladies regarding curing commitment phobia caused by divorce? Is it better to be unhappy and alone, or unhappy and in a relationship?"

Just getting back into the dating saddle? Tis better to be unhappy and alone. Before you start getting agro questioning our sanity … Unhappy and alone is a temporary place, and a place you should be in after divorce. We challenge the word alone. Are we ever truly alone? We have friends, family, co-workers and people in the grocery store surrounding us. On a solo camping trip, the park ranger is out there. Flip it around. Why would someone choose unhappy in their next relationship? Didn’t you just have that? How did that work out for you? Whether you were the unhappy former partner or you became unhappy with the steps taken by your unhappy former partner, why would you do that again? Afraid of being "alone"? Re-read this paragraph and use the phone.

Quantum physics touts that like attracts like, so unhappy attracts unhappy. While dating the man described in our first post, one of my fabulously gay friends told me flat out, without any reservations, that I was attracted to unavailable men because I was unavailable. Totally shocked, I fought back. Me? Unavailable? Not possible. But I was giving off that sense. Like the Eau De Desperation cologne. The wearer doesn’t even get a whiff, while others smell it a mile away.

For fans of electrostatic theory (opposite charges attract and like charges repel), we concede that unhappy people can attract happy people. However, eventually happy crumbles in the presence of unhappy, creating like charges, which ultimately repel.

Commitment phobia from divorce? Let’s work with the assumption that you have figured out what you enjoy and makes you happy. If the only thing on your “what makes you happy” list is a relationship, go back and dig deeper. Make decisions/commitments in other areas of your “new” life. Where to live? Plasma or LCD? Paint color? Waterbed or tempurpedic? Overcoming commitment phobia takes practice and research on what’s available out there. Create forward momentum by making choices/commitments in other areas of your life, and then date lots of people. Don’t go “all in” too early. Study the different options. Do you buy the first car you test drive or the first melon you pick up in the produce section? No. You may return and choose those first ones because of the knowledge you gained from your research.

Avoid paralysis by analysis; you have to close doors to move forward. You have to commit to get the prize (a new car or a delicious melon). How many times have we heard, or said, “I want to keep all of my options open”? It really doesn’t work. If you want a loving committed relationship, just try dating multiple people for an extended period of time. It becomes exhausting, confusing, expensive, unfulfilling and ultimately nudges you to make a choice/commitment. Unless you are a serial dater, with practice and research you can commit again.

There’s a part 2 to Anonymous’ post … stay tuned!

Comment below on what you think. You can also email us at djv@divorcesalon.com

Sharing the Not-So-Good News

When the decision has been mutually and decisively made to throw in the proverbial towel, how can the news be tactfully and effectively spread???

Some options we have seen exercised in the Divorce Salon include:

MASS EMAIL OR USAGE OF INTERNET (e.g., Linked-in, Facebook...).
Our members generally find this an inappropriate and impersonal way to pack a big punch. You don't really know where your reader will be and how they will react when they get the news. It can have the effect of trivializing marriage, which may not score high points with your married or Catholic friends.

HOLIDAY CARDS
It is certainly an option to include the news in your annual here's-what-we-have been-up-to letter. Those in the Salon seem to dread these letters which are usually boastful and self-congratulatory, if not downright annoying (do we really need to know exactly how many field hockey goals your daughter scored last season?). However, a few did think the news could be communicated appropriately and quickly via this method.
You can also do what I did unwittingly in keeping people guessing. The last two years I sent Xmas cards (sans dreaded letter) featuring a photo of myself and my daughters (father conspicuously absent after appearing for prior 8 yrs). Most people conclude one of the following: he was too busy to be around when photo was taken; he is not in photo because he is taking the pict.; he is woefully anti-photogenic; or, my personal favorite -- that he died and I am too distressed to address the loss head-on.

IN PERSON
As you stumble your way through this painful process, you will also be regularly stumbling into friends, family and acquaintances. Telling them in person can get the job done. While this may make them feel honored that you have sought them out/taken them into your confidence, we aren't really worried about THEM. YOU have to do what feels right and comfortable. The setting and mood need to cooperate because the last thing you want is to fall apart in the produce department or at the lower school assembly. That said, people are often surprisingly supportive and this can be a boost. One of the gals in the Salon recalls telling a friend on a street corner who shouted "Congratulations" and swept her up in a bear hug before apologizing for not being more sympathetic. She promptly confessed that her elation stemmed from the happiness she had achieved post-divorce herself.

TELEPHONE
Our consensus was that this is most appropriate, esp for close family and friends, but can take a long time. And how many times do you want to rehash the horror story? Everyone invariably wants you to regurgitate the gory details and reads between the lines if you offer any comment beyond the fact that you are divorcing. Our members recommend keeping it short and simple: "Jim and I are divorcing. I am sorry to share this bad news and hope you won't be offended by my reluctance to discuss it further at this time." Another strategy offered was share the fact and then change subject to your children (if you have any) or to what you will need: "I am happy to report that the children are healthy and doing well in school. Obviously their sense of happiness and security will remain my primary focus...." or, "Now that I have told you my news, I hope you might invite me to those lectures you host as I will be looking to get out and distract myself..." And then, for goodness sake, get off the phone before you say something you will later regret. The temptation to dish can be irresistible.
I made the mistake myself in my opening line which really says more than it needed to: "Jane, I hate to share bad news but I am being aggressively divorced..."

COMBINATION OF METHODS AND EMPLOYING EMISSARIES
This is, by far, the best option we can recommend. There is nothing wrong with emailing your accountant, your Xmas card could have an upbeat personalized note for those you haven't seen since high school ("It is true that I am getting divorced but the girls and I are still going to Mexico"), and your mother really does need to see you in person, or hear from you by phone.
But the ingenious way to get the news out, to a large portion of those who will eventually need to know, is to get OTHERS to do it for you. It is brilliant because they are not emotionally invested (or explosive); they don't mind saying the same thing over and over (they are thrilled to help); and they can play interference: "Joan really wanted to make sure you knew but she is really occupied right now and just wants some space. But definitely email her in the next few months, when things have calmed down." A good friend will rehearse it with you and not give out more info than you want divulged. She will do it in a way that the receiver will not be offended that it is not coming from you because this messenger has been sent directly and specially to the receiver (...and the rest of your coworkers, summer community, and former classmates...).

Think of going public with your divorce as the launching of a public relations campaign. You will feel more scrutinized in the coming months/years than you ever have. Public relations campaigns need excellent management, advice, and staff. Whether it is cash, custody, or your reputation you are looking to preserve (and it is usually all three), set the tone now and analyze your tactics regularly. Beef up your campaign with the help of those who have the right balance of loyalty and objectivity. You are going to need a lot of both to get through this...

DJV

What to do with the marriage hardware (aka the rings)

One of the ladies smiled and with a slightly rebellious look in her eye, held up her newly naked left hand saying “look, hardware removal”.

Hardware? Like a piece of a computer? With further reflection, hardware is a spot on description of those rings. Perhaps it’s a stretch to compare a 2 carat, round cut, VVS1, G color grade diamond ring to a 24-inch, 1920-by-1200 resolution, widescreen computer monitor. But … Have you ever tried to get rid of them? It’s not that easy. How do you “properly” dispose of them (in a way that’s good for the environment, your psychological environment that is). Re-purpose, re-cycle or donate?

The law says that as long as you went through with the marriage you are entitled to keep the engagement ring (interpreted from divorcesource.com). But the question remains, how do I get rid of it?

Re-Purposing
People say you can always “make it into a necklace or pin”. That just wasn’t in the cards for me. It didn’t matter that the stone would be in a different setting or displayed on a different part of my body. The fact of the matter was that that stone would be looking back at me in the mirror every time I wore it. Pretty girl, great outfit, and blammo that stone staring back at me, reminding me of my failed marriage and the hopes and dreams that died along with it. No way was I going to put myself through that.

Donating
Or in my case, returning it to my ex. Yes, women do do this! And we bear the burden of constantly being asked “why would you do that?” with some more powerful expletives added depending on the askers level of shock and awe. It was a family stone. Could it have been sold? Sure. Would the extra cash have been handy? Yes. Would the physical dollars have been equal to the sentimental value of the stone to his family? No way. Bottom line, it meant more to them than it did to me, so back it went.

Recycle for cash
Internet marketplaces hadn’t come to be, so I got my emotions in check and took the hardware to a pawn shop. Not one of those dirty places littered with electric guitars and amps from struggling artists needing to pay the rent. It was in a good zip code, and was more like a consignment shop with gently used clothing, furniture, home accessories and jewelry. Timidly telling the lady I had two rings I wanted to sell began my enlightenment process. The two most symbolic pieces from my marriage, even with the priest’s blessing, had no value. Even with diamonds and a luxury brand name. Zero dollars. The engraving, the investment of time we had made in choosing the right words, eliminated any cash value for the precious metal and stones.

If only ebay, craigslist or cash4gold had been around for “proper” disposal. There are over 70,000 diamonds listed on ebay of which 1800 are described as “used”. It makes me wonder, are diamonds like a Christmas fruitcake? Only a few in the world and passed around?

What ultimately happened to those two rings? I gave them to someone who is extremely close to me. The mojo needed to be extracted, so it didn’t matter what she did with them. To this day, it’s unclear where the remaining hardware ended up.

Guys and gals we want to know what you did with your marriage hardware, so comment or email us at djv@divorcesalon.com.

My Man Tennyson

While we mull over the notion of why men say those three little words so quickly (actually I thought they were reluctant to say those three words myself...) anyway, I'd like to ponder another topic. Is it better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?

This was most aptly put by Alfred Lord Tennyson in his 1850 poem entitled in memoriam 27.

The poem goes like this:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

I think he put it very well! and I personally agree. Many people don't see the silver lining to each cloud but some might agree with me when I say that having been married and having loved and been loved - even if it didn't work out in the end - is better than sitting around all by yourself! Don't get me wrong - I love being by myself but seriously, isn't life more fun when you have someone to share things with? Even if your marriage ends in a nasty divorce there have to have been some fun times and things that make you laugh or smile or both.

Maybe this is a pie in the sky attitude but life is too short to have regrets and anger - I firmly believe that you have to look on the bright side. So if you are contemplating your past marriage or going through a divorce I think it's time to reflect on the good parts of whatever your situation was, learn from the mistakes and move on with a clear head.

Now - does anyone disagree?? We want to hear from you!

As always,

djv